Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Battle Of Catalina

jm two black randos

I take it you’re not in Montana anymore.

“How did you know?”

“So racist.”

There are no black people in Montana.

“Samuel L. Jackson has a place.”

And neither of those young men are Samuel L. Jackson. I would have led with that. ‘Hey, John. When did you meet Samuel L. Jackson?’ would have been my first question to you.

“Okay, yeah: I’m back in LA. I tricked Jenny McCarthy into letting me go, and then I banged her several more times, and then I tricked her into letting me go again, and then I escaped.”

How’d you trick her?

“I told her I was going out for a cigarette and promised to come back.”

That worked?

“She’s a fucking moron.”

True.

“But, you know: the 1993 version of her was pneumatic. She was like sexual Agent Orange.”

Right. But, John: the Time War. You started this–

“I totally didn’t.”

–and now you have to fight it. Where’s Andy Cohen?

“Dinosaur ate him. Or OJ killed him. Last thing I saw before I left was the raptors accepting OJ into their pack.”

That’s unsettling.

“Yeah. Some of the residents were trying to mount a defense–everyone up there’s pretty well-armed–but it’s impossible because you never know what 1993’s forces are going to do: Trump’s in charge.”

Also, the dinosaur thing.

“Yeah, they’re unpredictable, sure, but he’s making it worse. I don’t quite know how, but he’s making things worse.”

He does that.

“It’s carnage.”

Lucky you got out.

“I feel like you’re judging me.”

Nooooo.

“My solo album is just about to drop, man. There was nothing I could do there.”

Where are you?

“Catalina.”

You’ve literally fled the mainland.

“I’m at a gig. I didn’t solo at all in Montana, and I didn’t wear any clothes with jungle animals on them.”

You were roughing it.

“And my friend got eaten. Just lemme decompress for one night. Leave me alone, please.

Wow, jeez, yeah. All right, you have a good evening, John.

“Yeah?”

Yeah.

“Well, thanks. I appreciate it.”

Sure. Hey, you know those kids?

“Huh? No, I don’t know them. They’re landos.”

Landos?

“Black randos.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Oh, COME on!”

It’s like you can’t help yourself.

“Please, man? I’m sitting in with Chick Corea.”

He’s a Scientologist. Pick up the phone.

“That’s racist.”

Scientology is not a race.

“That’s what Xenu wants you to think.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Y’know what? I’m not at your beck and call. I’m not your little puppet. I have won Grammies.”

Grammies? I think it’s Grammys.

“It’s the Grammy Awards, who gives a shit. What I’m saying is that I’m not picking up the ph–

KABLAAAAAMMOBLOOMBOOMWHOMPBOOM

John?

“I despise you.”

Could you tell me what’s going on?

“Seriously: this only-dialogue method of storytelling has severe limitations.”

I’m aware of that. It’s like Dogma 95. Did the club explode?

“Yes.”

Why?

“Because the ATF stormed the building.”

1993.

“Right. Waco. So the Time War has followed me to Catalina?”

Looks that way.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hate you.”

“What?”

“I see you have two blacks, John. Bad blacks! I’ve got the best black.”

“Thaluations, Joth Meyerth.”

trump tyson 90s

“Goddammit.”

“John, you’re not a bright kid. This is a Time War. We can get to Catalina.”

“We thecured pathage on the ferry thervice.”

“Time War, John. 2016 has been so terrible that the other years are being affected. You attacked us like cowards, and now we have to hit back.”

“Therious repercuthions for your thneak attackth.”

“Mike, I feel like you’re deliberately choosing words with ‘s’ in them.”

“Thuck my ballth, Meyerth.”

“Uh-huh. I’m gonna put you guys on hold for a minute.”

“Excuse me. Hey. Jackass. Lonely weirdo.”

Yes?

“A word?”

No. Stick to the script. Stop breaking the fourth wall.

“I’m gonna build a terrific fourth wall, no meta nonsense at all, the best fourth wall you’ve ever seen.”

HEY! You’re on hold!

“Sad!”

Yeah, yeah. John, you were saying?

“What’s a Time War?”

The thing that’s happening to you right now.

“Sure, sure. But: what is it?”

It’s a tragedy. People have been eaten.

“Again you’re right, and again I ask: what is a Time War. Explain the concept to me like I’m a child. A civil war is when two parties from the same country fight, a world war is when everybody fights, a cold war is everything but fighting; what is a Time War?”

“You have no idea, do you?”

It’s coming to me!

“Amateur.”

Yeah. John?

“Yes?”

Watch out for the ostrich.

“What ostrich?”

ostrich face

“OSTRICH!”

The one behind you.

1 Comment

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    August 26, 2016 at 9:49 am

    I am so totally surprised by how many movies the Donald has had cameo appearances in.

    Of course, when you put together all the metadata, who-weee! Don’t touch that puppy with a 20 foot pole!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*