Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Best Recipe For Cannabutter On The Internet In Just 66 Simple Steps

You will need:

  • Doobie (A certain amount.)
  • Butter (An amount in the proper ratio to the doobie.)
  • Blender
  • Saucepan
  • Cheesecloth
  • Pyrex measuring cup
  • Ice cube tray

DIRECTIONS:

  1. Pour the doobie into the blender, stems and all.
  2. Press “CHOP.”
  3. Press “CHOP” again.
  4. Slap side of blender lightly.
  5. Press “CHOP” once more.
  6. Try “PUREE.”
  7. Walk around house plugging blender into various electrical sockets, slapping the machine every once in a while.
  8. Begin to destroy blender in fit of pathetic rage.
  9. Remember that your doobie is in it.
  10. Empty doobie into cereal bowl.
  11. Finish destroying blender in fit of pathetic rage.
  12. Using small grinder with a Stealie on it, break up doobie while watching YouTube videos.
  13. Deposit ground-up doobie in the simmering butGODDAMMIT I FORGOT TO PUT THE BUTTER ON.
  14. Rummage in cabinet for saucepan.
  15. No, that’s a soup pot, moron.
  16. Yes, that one.
  17. Place on burner set to low.
  18. Add butter.
  19. Add doobie.
  20. Turn on oven vent fan.
  21. Seriously, turn on your fucking oven vent fan.
  22. Read two pages at random from Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography.
  23. Check pan, stir.
  24. Read two pages at random from Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography.
  25. Check pan, stir.
  26. Read two pages at random from Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography.
  27. Check pan, stir.
  28. Decide you’re too obsessive to not check the pan every two minutes; decide to run errand.
  29. Put on pants.
  30. Get halfway out the door before realizing that you’re literally leaving the stove on.
  31. You’re smarter than that.
  32. Remove pants.
  33. Read two pages at random from Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography.
  34. Check pan, stir.
  35. Browse Amazon for blenders.
  36. Remember that you become acclimated to smells very quickly, and wonder if you’re being objective about how bad the house reeks.
  37. Walk outside and begin sniffing like a crazy person.
  38. Say hello to the mother/daughter combo that lives across the street.
  39. Talk to them about professional wrestling.
  40. (The mother/daughter combo are professional wrestling fans.)
  41. Go back inside.
  42. Read two pages at random from Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography.
  43. Prepare receptacle for cannabutter.
  44. Try to think of a better name than “cannabutter.”
  45. Fail.
  46. Check pan, stir.
  47. Cover kitchen counter with paper towels.
  48. Place Pyrex measuring cup and ice cube tray on paper towels.
  49. Where’s the cheesecloth?
  50. You forgot to get cheesecloth, didn’t you?
  51. You dipshit.
  52. Rummage around in closet for an old, thin tee-shirt.
  53. Obviously not the Stones shirt.
  54. Giants shirt is thin as hell.
  55. Think about the Giants for a while, and what a great year they had, and how they’d be unstoppable if they got a running back and a tight end.
  56. Remember you’re in the middle of stinking up your neighborhood with the smell of probable cause.
  57. Lay tee-shirt over top of Pyrex measuring cup, and pour contents of saucepan in.
  58. Squeeze all butter out using your hands.
  59. Burn the fuck out of your hands.
  60. Improvise a squeezy-type situation with a wooden spatula and Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography.
  61. Put empty saucepan in sink to soak.
  62. Throw spatula in, too.
  63. Realize you need the spatula some more.
  64. You dipshit.
  65. Pour cannabutter into ice cube trays.
  66. Launder Giants tee-shirt.

It’s just that simple, Enthusiasts.

2 Comments

  1. Step 67: Enjoy, but not too much, lest you become completely incapacitated evidenced by taking a poop and becoming authentically frightened that you pushed out your entire sphincter. Realize that’s not the case and there is no blood, feel fleeting relief, then crawl in bed for the next 6-7 hours.

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