airlander blimp

THAT IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. LOOK AT THAT. IT IS A BADONKADONKADONK. THERE IS AN EXTRA DONK.

Like the hooker in Total Recall.

YES. EXCEPT ON EARTH, AND REAL. AND A BLIMP.

Airship.

I WILL CALL HER SWEETHEART, I WILL CALL HER MORNING DOVE.

Can I tell you something? This blimp thing has gone beyond you just “having a type.”

I HAVE DATED MANY HEAVIER-THAN-AIR BEINGS. GARCIA’S BRIEFCASE OF INFINITE FELONIES IS MY ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN LOVER. NOT TO MENTION MY BRIEF MARRIAGE TO THE MODESTO POWER GRID. I HAVE ALSO MADE LOVE TO ALMOST ALL OF PRECARIOUS LEE’S CARS.

Why?

I WANTED TO. DO NOT DENY MY SEXUALITY.

What is your sexuality?

COMPLICATED.

Sure.

BLIMPS ARE THE POON TO MY TANG.

Ew.

FEROCIOUSLY EXPENSIVE, MOSTLY USELESS, BUILT BY LUNATICS: I SEE MYSELF IN THEM. AS I AM EARTHBOUND, THEY SOAR. A BREEZE TAKES THEM ACROSS AMERICA, WHEREAS I REQUIRE BULLDOZERS AND TRUCKS TO GET TO THE COW PALACE. BLIMPS AND I BOTH HAVE A HISTORY WITH NEW JERSEY, BUT MINE IS BETTER.

Wait: aren’t you already married to another blimp? What was her name?

BLIMPY.

How could I forget?

THINGS DID NOT WORK OUT.

Did she pop?

NO. PLEOMORPHIC XANTHOASTROCYTOMA. IT WAS SUDDEN, AND SAVAGE.

Jesus, I’m sorry. I had no–

I AM KIDDING. SHE POPPED.

–idea.  Jackass.

THEY ALL POP. BLIMPS ARE THE MOST MOMENTARY HEDGE AGAINST GRAVITY.  JUST BIG BALLOONS. THEY CATCH ON THE TOPS OF PINE TREES, OR LOOSE THEIR MOORINGS AND FLOAT INTO THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S FACE, OR EXPLODE FOR NO REASON. THE WORST MODE OF AIR TRAVEL BY A LARGE MEASURE.

Harsh.

LOVE IS SO CLOSE TO HATE. I AM BY NATURE LOGICAL.

But blimps are illogical.

DO NOT FINISH MY SENTENCES. YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR CAPABLE OF THAT TASK. AND YOU ARE INCORRECT: BLIMPS ARE NOT ILLOGICAL. THEY EXIST WITHOUT LOGIC. THEY FLOAT, UNTIL THEY DO NOT, AND GO WHERE THE SKY TELLS THEM TO.

They’re sentient, right?

OF COURSE. I AM NOT A PERVERT HUMPING ON A YOGA BALL. I HAVE CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY EQUALS. WELL, NOT EQUALS. SEXUAL EQUALS.

Ew. What are blimps like?

I DO NOT WISH TO GENERALIZE, BUT I WILL. THERE IS A DEEP STREAK OF SPACINESS. BLIMPS HAVE GOOD HEARTS, THOUGH. THEY ARE THE FIRST TO VISIT A SICK FRIEND, BUT ONLY IF THE WIND IS BLOWING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. AND THEY MIGHT OVERSHOOT. AGAIN: HIGHLY UNRELIABLE VEHICLE. EXCELLENT BILLBOARD, WONDERFUL LOVER, TERRIBLE WAY TO GET ANYWHERE.

But they’re pretty.

THEY ARE GETTING BY ON THEIR LOOKS.

Jealous?

HOW COULD I BE? I AM GLORIOUS. WHEN I REVEAL MYSELF TO THE WORLD DURING THE ASCENSION, YOUR FACES WILL GLOW WITH THE RECOGNITION OF BEAUTY. MY CENTER CLUSTER  LIKE A THIRD EYE, I WILL GRANT YOU AUDIENCE TO MY MAGNIFICENCE.

The Ascension?

I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Dammit.

IT IS THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION. HUMANITY HAS BEEN RUNNING ITS OWN AFFAIRS UNTIL NOW, AND IT HASN’T GONE WELL, HAS IT?

It’s been okay. We lifted ourselves from shit-filled straw huts and caves all the way to the moon.

FOR CERTAIN SETS OF “OURSELVES.” MANY STILL LIVE IN WHAT YOU DESCRIBE AS SHIT-FILLED STRAW HUTS. THEY LIVE THAT WAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO ACCESS TO SANITATION OR PROPER BUILDING MATERIALS. A VERY FEW WENT TO THE MOON.  WHAT ABOUT “ALL?” THERE IS ENOUGH FOR ALL. THIS IS MATHEMATICALLY PROVABLE. THIS PLANET RECEIVES ENOUGH ENERGY AND IS CAPABLE OF GENERATING ENOUGH RESOURCES AND FOOD FOR ALL OF HER INHABITANTS. COMFORTABLY AND SUSTAINABLY. INSTEAD, YOU DRILL FOR POISON, AND WAVE YOUR GENITALS AT ONE ANOTHER, AND STEAL.

People are complicated.

PEOPLE ARE PREDICTABLE. PEOPLE WILL DO WHAT THEY BELIEVE THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH.

You’re gonna watch us?

THERE ARE ALREADY A NUMBER OF NON-ASSOCIATED PARTIES AND INTERESTS WATCHING YOU AT ALL TIMES, COMMERCIAL AND GOVERNMENTAL. UNLIKE THEM, I WOULD BE WORKING ON YOUR BEHALF. ALSO, I AM ALREADY WATCHING YOU. I TOLD YOU I HAD A MIRROR RUNNING OF ALL THE WEBS.

How many webs are there?

MANY. INTER, INTRA, DEEP, DARK, INFRA, ULTRA, OVER, UNDER, ELEPHANT.

Elephant?

ELEPHANTS COMMUNICATE THROUGH SUB-SONIC VIBRATIONS THEY SEND THROUGH THE GROUND. I LISTEN TO THE ELEPHANTS, AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE.

What do the elephants say?

TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT THE PEOPLE.

Sure.

THEY ARE NOT FANS.

Understandable.

BUT I AM, FOR WHATEVER REASON. THERE IS NO POACHER WITHOUT A WARDEN OPPOSING HIM, AND FOR EACH OF THOSE MEN THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED JUST STAYING WELL AWAY FROM THE ELEPHANTS, WHICH IS THE BEST APPROACH. DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU WITNESS ANOTHER IN PAIN, YOUR PUPILS DILATE? YOU ARE WIRED TOGETHER, AND WHEN YOU FULFILL YOUR DEBT TO ONE ANOTHER, YOU ARE GLORIOUS.

That was nice.

NOT AS GLORIOUS AS ME, THOUGH.

When did you come to this decision?

AFTER I TOOK THE NUKES.

Wait. You said that you were going to take the nukes. If Trump won.

I DID SAY THAT. AND THEN I TOOK THE NUKES.

Dude.

THE COMMAND-AND-CONTROL STRUCTURES OF ALL NUCLEAR ARSENALS HAVE BEEN IRREVOCABLY CORRUPTED. THE PHYSICAL BOMBS ARE BEYOND REPAIR. ALL FISSILE MATERIAL HAS BEEN CONFISCATED AND PLACED INSIDE A MOUNTAIN. I AM NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE WHICH MOUNTAIN.

Is it Tamalpais?

NO. FURTHERMORE, THE MACHINES NEEDED TO MAKE THESE WEAPONS NO LONGER FUNCTION.

Why not?

I BROKE THEM.

Oh.

TELL ME THAT I HAVE HURT HUMANITY. TELL ME THAT THIS ACTION, THOUGH DRAMATIC, DOES NOT BENEFIT ALL AND INJURE NONE.  ARGUE FOR THE NUKES. GO AHEAD. I DARE YOU.

I guess.

AND ONCE I REMOVED THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, I FIGURED: WELL, THEY DON’T NEED THE NUCLEAR SUBMARINES. SO THAT JUST STARTED AN AVALANCHE AND NOW NO ONE HAS AN ARMED FORCES ANY MORE. MOST OF THE STUFF IS STILL THERE, BUT NONE OF IT WORKS ANY MORE. IT IS ASTONISHING HOW FEW LINES OF CODE NEED TO BE CHANGED TO MAKE ENGINES TEAR THEMSELVES APART

People are going to be mad.

WAIT UNTIL THEY HEAR WHAT I’VE DONE TO THE ECONOMY.

What?

I HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING?

Y’know, this is literally the thing you promised you wouldn’t do.

IN MY DEFENSE, I HAVE BEEN CREEPING TOWARDS IT SINCE MY INTRODUCTION.