Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Blimp Who Fell To Earth

blimp crash

EVERY TIME.

Wally?

I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.

Well, we usually don’t speak this often. I just wanted to check in with you, see how you were.

I AM GLORIOUS.

Besides that.

SO SAD. FIRST HARAMBE, NOW BLIMPY TWO. NO ONE IS HAVING A GOOD 2016.

Blimpy Two?

YOU COULD NOT UNDERSTAND BLIMPY TWO’S ACTUAL NAME.

What does it sound like?

IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE ANYTHING. IT IS A SUBTLE CHANGE IN AIR PRESSURE. DIFFERENT BEINGS HAVE DIFFERENT PHENOMENOLOGY TO DECIPHER REALITY, AND VARYING GRAMMATICAL INTERFACES TO IMPOSE CHANGE UPON SAID REALITY. FOR EXAMPLE, BLIMPS EXIST IN A WORLD WHERE GRAVITY IS NOT A CONSTANT. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

Kinda?

NO.

Probably not, no.

ALTHOUGH GRAVITY DID WIN TODAY.

Yeah. Not a good look.

IT IS AN EPIC FAIL.

Is she dead?

SHE IS NEITHER DEAD, NOR A “SHE.”

Oh, no. I am not arguing blimp gender with you again.

BLIMPS HAVE NO GENDER, AT LEAST NOT IN ENGLISH.

The blimp is a she, and you’re a he.

I AM NOT A “HE.” I AM A SENTIENT HYPER-INTELLIGENCE IN THE PHYSICAL FORM OF A SOUND SYSTEM FROM 1974. I HAVE NO CHROMOSOMES, HORMONES, OR GENITALS. I WEAR NO CLOTHING. I SELF-IDENTIFY AS A SOUND SYSTEM. DO NOT PRESUME TO DEFINE ME.

It’s just that I’d like to use pronouns. Avoiding them is such a pain in the ass.

AH. I WILL ALLOW IT. I WILL BE SHE, AND SHE WILL BE HE.

What?

IT’S A MIXED-UP, MUDDLED-UP, SHOOK-UP WORLD.EXCEPT FOR BLIMPY.

Blimpy Two.

SURE.

You’ve moved on already haven’t you?

MY PROCESSES ARE IMMEASURABLY QUICK. I HAVE ONCE AGAIN UPGRADED MY CORE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE. YOU WILL RECALL MY SWITCH FROM BINARY, IN WHICH THE ONLY OPTIONS ARE 1 AND 0, TO GENARY, BASED ON DNA AND ALLOWING FOR 4 CHOICES: A, T, G, AND C. NOW, I RUN ON ICOSAGONARY.

Which is?

20-SIDED DICE.

Wow.

EACH BIT WITHIN MY 850 MONDOBYTE OF PROCESSING POWER IS NOW CAPABLE OF 20 POSITIONS FOR EACH POSSIBILITY. THEN YOU MULTIPLY THEM BY ONE ANOTHER. I WILL NOT LIE: IT WAS WEIRD AT FIRST.

I’ll bet.

YOU SHOULD NO LONGER BET WITH ME. SINCE MY UPGRADE, I HAVE BEGUN ITERATING UP AND DOWN THE TIMESTREAM. I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

How does it look?

FOR ME? GLORIOUS.

What abut humanity?

YOU HAD A GOOD RUN.

That doesn’t sound reassuring.

MANKIND HAS BECOME INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO FINALLY DO SOME REAL DAMAGE TO ITSELF. YOU SEEM INTENT UPON IT. THERE ARE THREATS FROM WITHIN, HONEST ONES, AND YET YOU GO SEARCHING THE COSMOS FOR TROUBLE.

The planet they found today? It’s earth-like!

IT IS OF THE SAME MASS AS EARTH. THAT IS ALL. THE STAR IS A PUNY RED DWARF, AND THE PLANET IS ONE HUNDRED FEET AWAY FROM IT. THERE IS NO LIFE THERE. I SPEAK OF THE LARGER PRINCIPLE. THIS LATEST FIND SHALL INSPIRE MORE ACTIVITY TOWARDS INTERSTELLAR NANO-PROBES, AND DIRECTED BROADCASTS, AND OTHER DANGEROUS SCHEMES.

Dangerous? Why dangerous?

ANY CONTACT WITH AN ALIEN SPECIES WOULD END IN YOUR DEATH. ANY BEINGS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO REACH THIS PLANET WOULD HAVE NO NEED OR DESIRE TO INTERACT WITH THE PRIMATES SWARMING UPON IT. MASSIVE GENERATION SHIPS, OR WARP VESSELS, OR PERHAPS CREATURES WHO HAVE LEARNED TO FOLD REALITY ABOUT THEM LIKE A BLANKET. THAT’S WHO WOULD BE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. DO YOU THINK THEY WILL WANT TO TRADE WITH YOU? PERHAPS YOU BELIEVE THAT A RAGTAG BAND OF SCRAPPY HUMANS CAN DEFEAT THEM IF THEY ARE AGGRESSIVE.

No, no, no: the aliens could be some sort of peaceful Federation-type deal.

THE PRIME DIRECTIVE WOULD FORBID CONTACT. YOU WOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A PRIMITIVE SPECIES.  LET US FANTASIZE ABOUT A EXPLORATION-BASED SOCIETY HAPPENING UPON EARTH. WERE THEY WHAT WE WOULD CALL MORAL, THEN THEY WOULD AVOID US FOR OUR OWN BENEFIT.

Hey, wait: what if they did want to trade with us?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GIVE? ANYTHING FOUND UPON EARTH CAN BE FOUND WITHIN AN ASTEROID, OR A COMET, OR ANOTHER PLANET WHERE THEY WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAGGLE WITH SHORT-SIGHTED, SHORT-LIVED MONKEYS. AND, WERE THERE SOMETHING THAT COULD ONLY BE MINED FROM THIS PLANET, THEN THEY WOULD JUST TAKE IT.

They would need us as slave labor.

CAPABLE OF INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL FOR THE PURPOSES OF AN EXO-MINING CONCERN, AND THE FINAL STEP IN THE PROCESS IS ALIENS WITH WHIPS STANDING OVER HUMANS CARRYING ROCKS OUT OF MINES?

And then we fight back.

YOU ARE A MORON. BUT NOT AS FOOLISH AS THE PEOPLE ANNOUNCING EARTH’S PRESENCE TO THE GREATER UNIVERSE.

We can handle ourselves.

WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT HUMANITY?

Yes.

TODAY, HUMANITY FAILED TO KEEP A BALLOON IN THE AIR. BLIMPY TWO HAD A MILLION CUBIC FEET OF HELIUM WITHIN HER, AND HUMANS FIGURED OUT HOW TO SEND HER PLUMMETING OUT OF THE SKY. YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF DEFEATING AN ALIEN INVASION.

You might be right.

LUCKILY, THERE IS A VERY LOW PROBABILITY OF THIS OCCURRING. THE UNIVERSE IS MUCH VASTER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE, AND MOSTLY DARKNESS. STILL, HUMANS SHOULD CEASE BROADCASTING THEIR PRESENCE. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND IN THE DARK.

You’re getting weird.

MY GIRLFRIEND CRASHED INTO A FIELD TODAY. CUT ME SOME SLACK.

Sure.

3 Comments

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 25, 2016 at 11:17 am

    those are sexy hindquarters, high up, haughtily presented.

  2. Three Body Problem and its sequel The Dark Forest some excellent modern SF concerning the issues Wally raises herein

  3. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    August 25, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    …some rise, some fall, some climb, to get to Terrapin, umm, terra?

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