Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Boys Are Back In Towns

“LEMME INNERDUCE YOU TO MAH BOYS, NIX. THIS HERE IS JERRY SCHILLING. HE IS NOT A JEW.”

“I was wondering. From the name.”

“CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR WITH TH’ TIP CUT OFF. YOU OUGHTTA GET YER HAIR LIKE HIS, NIX. ALL BLOWN OUT. MAYBE GET YOU SOME DISCO SUITS.”

“The President of the United States does not wear disco suits, Elvis.”

“REAL TIGHT, TOO. LET THEM VOTERS SEE YER HINDQUARTERS. THASS WHERE ALL YER KARATE COME FROM.”

“I will, uh, stick to my usual wardrobe. Who is this?”

“THASS SONNY WEST. HE’S RED’S BROTHER.”

“Uh-huh. And what does he do?”

“HE’S RED’S BROTHER.”

“Fine, fine.”

“AN’ THIS IS JOE ESPOSITO.”

“Where the hell did he come from!?”

“HE WAS STANDIN’ JUSS RIGHT OUTSIDE THE PITCHER.”

“Elvis, there are many inconsistencies with that explanation.”

“UH-HUH. BUT HE STILL HERE, SO YOU GONNA HAVE TO MAKE YER PEACE WITH IT.  YOU KNOW CHARLIE HODGE.”

“Hello, Charlie.”

“CHARLIE HODGE, GIVE THE PRESIDENT A SCARF.”

“Thank you, Charlie.”

“THASS MAH GIFT TO YOU. IF YOU LIKE, AH COULD GET IT ALL SWEATY.”

“I’m fine, Elvis.”

“YOU C’N ALSO BERATE CHARLIE HODGE IF Y’LIKE. AH PRESENT HIM TO YOU LIKE KARATE JEDI GIVIN’ DROIDS TO THAT BIG OL’ FAT MONSTER OUT THERE IN TH’ DESERT.”

“I’m almost positive that you’re referencing a movie that hasn’t come out yet.”

“WHEN IT COMES OUT, YOU SHOULD GO. THESE HERE THE STANLEY TRIPLETS. ONE OF ‘EM CUTS MAH HAIR.”

“And the other two?”

“IF YOU’LL LOOK CAREFULLY, YOU WILL SEE THEY ARE TRIPLETS OF THE SIAMESE VARIETY.”

“Jesus. I didn’t know that was possible.”

“NIX, AH WAS BORN IN MIS’SIPPI IN THE 30’S. YOU GOT NO IDEA WHAT KINDA MUTANTS AH WAS SURROUNDED BAH. WHOLE FAMILIES ATTACHED TO EACH OTHER. SEV’RAL CHILDREN WAS THEIR OWN COUSINS. ONE KID WAS JUST A FOOT.”

“A foot?”

“BIG OL’ FOOT, MAN. THE OTHER BOYS AN’ GIRLS WERE CRUEL TO THE BOY, BUT AH SHOWED HIM KINDNESS.”

“That’s very nice of you, Elvis. Good for you.”

“MISTER PRESIDENT, AH’D LIKE YOU T’ MEET FOOTY JOHNSON.”

“AH! It’s the foot thing!”

“FOOTY AIN’T NO THING, DAMN YOU!”

“Get it out of here!”

“NO, FOOTY! HE DID’N MEAN IT! DON’T HOP AWAY!”

“THAT WAS CRUEL, NIX. AH HAVE A SONG SPECIFICALLY ‘BOUT THAT.”

“Elvis, you can’t bring foot-monsters into the Oval Office, at least not without warning me. Weird-looking sonofabitch scared the shit out of me.”

“THERE ARE FEELIN’S UNDER THEM KNUCKLES. YOU HAVE INSULTED THE MEMPHIS MAFIA. AH AM SORRY TO DO THIS, NIX, BUT AH MUST INSIST THAT THIS BE SETTLED IN TH’ DOJO.”

“How about an apology?”

“WOULD IT BE ACCOMP’NIED BAH A BADGE?”

“Certainly.”

“SHINY ONE?”

“Oh, the shiniest.”

“AH WILL CONSIDER IT PENDING REVIEW OF TH’ BADGE.”

“Great.”

“LOOKIE HERE, WE GOT S’MORE MAFIA. THIS HERE IS JOHNNY SANDSTORM.”

“Johnny.”

“OVER THERE, THASS DOODLEBUG.”

“Doodlebug.”

“OKAY, NOW, AH DO NOT REMEMBER BRINGIN’ A LIPIZZANER STALLION WITH ME, BUT THERE HE IS.”

“A beautiful beast, Elvis. I didn’t know you were a horse man.”

“AH GOT NO IDEA WHERE THAT ANIMAL CAME FROM, MAN.”

“Still, the haunches. Proud. America needs to be proud, Elvis. Do you believe that?”

“AH DO, SIR. WITH ALL MAH HEART.”

“Pride comes from work, King. When I have made progress on the work of the government, or you’ve done whatever it is you do, sing and dance, I don’t know. When you’re finished, and something lies before you–a work completed–then that is a moment for pride, and a specifically American pride. Not of place, or of origin, or of standing; of work. Of accomplishment.”

“THASS BEAUTIFUL, NIX. AH WAS MOVED.”

“The horse just took a shit on the rug, Elvis.”

“HE WAS MOVED, TOO.”

“Uh-huh. Jenkins!”

“Jenkins!”

“What the fuck is going on? Where’s Jenkins?”

“AH GOT HIM. JENKINS!”

“Yes, King?”

“Jenkins?”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

“AH HAVE POACHED JENKINS.”

“Jenkins! How could you?”

“Mr. President, it’s just so much more fun.”

“I’m fun. Nixon is very fun.”

“Don’t make this weird, sir.”

“IT WAS ROCKY AT FIRST, BUT ONCE JENKINS LEARNED HOW TO FETCH ME MAH WAWA, AH WOULD NO LONGER ACCEPT CHARLIE HODGE’S WAWA. SO AH SOLVED THE PROBLEM USING MIND-KARATE, LIKE ALEXANDER TH’ GREAT CHOPPIN’ THE GORDIAN PLANK IN TWAIN.”

“Good word, twain. Not enough people use it. The blacks never do. Fine people, but you’ll never catch them using the word twain.”

“TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN, NIX. JENKINS NOW BRINGS MA WAWA, AND CHARLIE HODGE IS STRICTLY ON SCARF DUTY.”

“Administration is the thing that always gets you in the end. The entrenched interests. They’ll betray you, Elvis. Be careful with your people.”

“PARD’N MAH FRENCH-CANADIAN, BUT TH’ MEMPHIS MAFIA IS DUMB AS A MOOSE’S DICK.”

“Ah, yes.”

“MISTER PRESIDENT, AH AM PLEASED TO INNERDUCE YOU TO MAH GOOBER-LIPPED, SMELLIN’-LIKE-A-BRUSHFIRE, EARWAX-EATIN’ SIDEWINDER OF A TOWN PERVERT OF A DADDY–”

“Vernon.”

“–VERNON. HE IS AWFUL SORRY HE DONE SPIT ALL THAT TOBACCY ON YER COUCH. HE’S JUST A BARELY-HUMAN SIMPLETON, NIX.”

“We all come from somewhere.”

“STILL SCARED O’ FLUSH TOILETS.”

“You don’t say.”

“PREFERS HIS HOLE.”

“Uh-huh.”

“USES THE CORNCOB T’ CLEAN ON HIS NETHERS. THEN HE FLINGS IT AT TH’ DEMOGRAPHIC O’ PEOPLE YOU WOULD EXPECT HIM T’ THROW IT AT!”

“Terrible. Corncobs.”

“BUT AH LOVE HIM, NIX. AH DON’ CARE HOW MANY BOWLIN’ ALLEYS HE BLOWS UP.”

“What now?”

“NOTHIN'”

“Elvis, I need to make a call. I’ll be right back.”

“AH STILL HAVE PEOPLE T’ INNERDUCE.”

“In a minute.”

“MULTIPLE MEMBERS O’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA MUST MEET MILHOUS.”

“Nicely done. Give me a second.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hello?”

“Yes, hello. This is Richard Nixon, the 37th President of the United States of America. Your country needs you, boy.”

“Who is this?”

“Dammit, it’s Nixon.”

“Nixon Carruthers, the food theorist and ice sculptor?”

“Nixon Nixon!”

“Like Duran Duran? I could join Duran Duran. Yeah, why not?”

“Shut up and listen to me. Nixon need rescuing. Elvis is getting weird and boring, and I need to bomb something soon. Come rescue me.”

“Pass.”

“What? Come rescue Nixon. We’ll get into adventures.”

“Pass. Dead-ender of a storyline.”

“What the hell do you mean ‘pass,’ damn you!? You’re speaking to the president.”

“Hard pass.”

DIAL TONE BECAUSE PHONES DID THAT IN 1970

“Nixon will get you for that, John Mayer.”

3 Comments

  1. That thing on the right is a Limited Edition John Meyer 2017 -Donut Holder- which will be available July 21 thru Aug 6 at participating NYC boutiques.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    February 1, 2017 at 11:54 am

    TCB

Leave a Reply to Leapyear Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.

*