“AH AM A FRILLED LIZARD.”

I can’t keep talking to you all night.

“YOU ‘BOUT TO GET SOME VENOM SPIT IN YOUR EYE.”

Frilled lizards don’t do that.

“WHAT’M AH THINKIN’ ABOUT?”

The dinosaur that eats Newman in Jurassic Park.

“AH AM THAT REPTILE AS WELL. ELVIS IS ALL THE REPTILES.”

What the hell are you on?

“IT AIN’T SO MUCH TH’ INGREDIENTS AS IT IS TH’ COMBINATION. AH GOT A LOTTA THINGS BOUNCIN’ OFF EACH OTHER IN HERE, MAN.”

Seriously, what is Dr. Nick giving you now?

“THE DOC CALLS IT ‘V’ THERAPY.”

V-therapy?

‘VICODIN, VALIUM, AND VIRGINS.”

How is the treatment going?

“AH WANT TO GIVE IT A FEW MORE WEEKS BEFORE MAKING A JUDGEMENT.”

Sure. Elvis, get rid of Dr. Nick.

“NEVER. DR. NICK WILL ALWAYS BE MAH CHIEF PHYSICIAN.”

Chief?

“UH-HUH.”

How many doctors–

“A TEAM OF SEVENTEEN.”

–do you have? What? Seventeen doctors? That’s a hospital’s worth in some countries.

“AH AM A VERY SICK MAN.”

What is it that you have?

“HEEBIE-JEEBIES.”

That’s not a thing, and it certainly doesn’t require seventeen doctors.

“THERE ARE ALSO SEVERAL CROTCH-BASED MALADIES SWIMMING WITHIN ME.”

Well, I assumed. Still: seventeen? Who are they?

“DR. NICK LEADS THE TEAM. DR. GARY CONSULTS VIA SKYPE.”

Stay off the internet.

“ISS A VALUABLE DAMN TOOL FOR COMMUNICATIN’!”

Still.

“DR. VIC IS ALSO ON TH’ TEAM.”

Who’s he?

“DR. NICK INNA FAKE MUSTACHE.”

Sure.

“HE THINKS AH DON’ KNOW.”

All of this sounds plausible. Who else?

“GERMAN FELLA. REAL INNERESTED IN TH’ FACT AH AM A TWIN.”

Yeah, that’s Dr. Mengele. Fire him.

“THERE IS ALSO DR. ACULA.”

That’s Dracula.

“AH SEE IT NOW.”

Great.

“IT WOULD EXPLAIN ALL TH’ BLOOD HE LIKES TO TAKE.”

Fire him, too.

“BUT HE KEEPS THE SAME HOURS AS AH DO.”

You have terrible taste in people.