“What the fuck did you do?”

“The gum? It was just in a pot on the table, so I figured it was for everyone.”

“First off: that was a plant. You’re eating a ficus.”

“Heh heh. ‘Ficus.’ That sounds dirty.”

“And second: no. Did you just tweet out your emails?”

“Was I not supposed to?”

“I WAS IN THE BATHROOM FOR FIVE MINUTES, SLAPDICK!”

“Listen, Mr. Attorney–”

“My name is Jenkins. My job is attorney.”

“–I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything wrong, and the e-mails prove it.”

“Holy shit. There were three clauses in that sentence and all of them were wrong. You need to shut the fuck up.”

“Hey! The only person who gets to tell me to shut up is my father. And Eric. And Ivanka. And my mom. Melania tells me to shut up all the time, too. Barron throws forks at my face.”

“Wow.”

“We like to kid around.”

“If you were literally anyone else, I would feel bad for you.”

PHONE NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Ooh, Robert Mueller wants to add me on LinkedIn.”

“Don’t add him.”

“What if he wants to make a deal?”

“Then he’ll talk to me.”

“I meant a real estate deal. I’m a real estate mongol.”

“Mogul.”

“Sure, with cream and sugar.”

INTERCOM TURNING-ON NOISE

“Mrs. Woods?”

“Mrs. Woods quit. I’m your new secretary, Rob Goldstone.”

“What?”

“YO, ROBBY!”

“IS THAT MY BRO, JUNEY?”

“Jesus fucking wept.”

INTERCOM TURNING-OFF NOISE

“Robby’s the shit, man. That guy fucks. Like, he’s fat and all? So, you wouldn’t think he had it in him? But that guy FUCKS.”

“He fucked you, Junior.”

“No! Well, once, but we said ‘No Homo.'”

“Metaphorically.”

“No, we didn’t do that position. He got me from behind. I was watching Larry Kudlow.”

“Junior, he sent you an email saying ‘the Russian government wants to meet with you to give you information about your opponent,’ to which you replied–and I quote–‘I love it.’ He fucked you. I mean, mostly you fucked yourself, but he helped.”

“That’s the kind of guy he is. Always giving me presents.”

“What kind of presents?”

“Large, seemingly-empty sculptures. Paintings where the eyes follow you around the room. Electronic gadgets.”

“Gadgets?”

“You know those copper bracelets, and how they help you with sports? Like that, but for meetings and business. You keep them in your pocket and they make you 18% smarter and stronger and tougher.”

“What do these gadgets look like?”

“Microphones.”

INTERCOM TURNING-ON NOISE

“Mr. Goldstone?”

“Yo?”

“Are you a Russian spy?”

“Nooooooo.”

“There you go, man. Goldy’s the shit. Only place he’s Russian is to the buffet!”

“I see what you did there, Juney!”

“You’re my guy, Goldy!”

“And you’re my Полезный идиот! I mean, guy. Guy. You’re my guy.”

INTERCOM TURNING-OFF NOISE

“See? Goldy’s the tits, man.”

“Uh-huh. Junior?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you like to fish?”

“Oh, I love to. Every time I cast my line, I whisper ‘Fuck poor people’ under my breath.”

“Great.”

“Why are you asking?”

“A good attorney keeps all of his options open.”