Everything is ripping itself apart, asunder; all is undone. The flash-eyed and vicious have won the day, and they did their work during business hours. We watched it happen; we’re watching it happen; events will continue apace for a while.
(Does it seem like things have been coming to a head for too long? Like we should have gotten to the head by now?)
There is bad news, horrid news, and several items so frightening that not only will you shit your pants, but your pants will shit you.
You will most likely be sentenced to death by one of Obamacare’s Death Panels, as the House’s replacement plan took many dicks today. (More dicks than group sex: this was a gangbang-type deal. Maybe the replacement plan placed an ad online looking for dicks. I don’t know the replacement plan’s kinks.) The homesteaders, doomsday preppers, and general mean fucks of the extreme right already hated the bill, but today the so-called “moderate” Republicans in the house turned on it after the Congressional Budget Office report came out.
Now, the CBO came out yesterday, and The Daily Recounting only covers the past 24 hours; I’ll just recap it:
The Republican plan includes kittens?
The kitten is a metaphor.
Then who is Death?
Death is also death. The plan is nothing but death.
Here’s the fun thing that happened today: the White House leaked an analysis of Donnycare that it had prepared, and…wait for it…their internal report BEAT the CBO estimate by two million people. The governing administration of the country you live in calculated that their national heath scheme would cover 26 million fewer people than are currently on the rolls, and they still went forward with it.
(At this point, I would like to rise from the still-burning wreckage of my beloved America to give the finger to Canada. You know I love you, but right now you can go fuck yourselves and take your president or whatever Prince Valiant with you. Your reasoned stability is a stick in my eye, Canada, and I hope Steve Bannon notices you exist.)
That wasn’t the fun part, I know: there was nothing fun about that. Here’s the fun: the report, like I said, leaked and then the White House was asked about it, and they said that the report was not an actual estimate; instead, it was an attempt to guess what the CBO would say. I am unaware if the obvious follow-up question was asked.
“How does that make it better?”
BUUUUT the reason for the bill’s nastiness might be more deeply buried. Today, Breitbart published leaked audio of Paul Ryan badmouthing Trump; this happened during the campaign, and they sat on the tape until they needed it. As we know, Breitbart was run by Steve Bannon for years. As we also know, Steve Bannon hates Paul Ryan with all of his pickled, goblin heart.
- Bannon produces plan he knows will be almost impossible to pass even with full White House support.
- Promises Ryan the complete backing of the president.
- Ryan sticks his dick out for the plan.
- Breitbart posts audio–not a transcript–of Ryan talking shit about Trump.
- (At this point, we should all remember that the treasonous slug is both insanely sensitive to slights, and an audio-visual learner.)
- Fox & Friends plays the audio of Ryan talking shit.
- Hey, who’s gonna be the new Speaker?
That’s what I’d do. Take the morality out of it and it sounds like a solid plan, doesn’t it?
Did you know we had a Secretary of State? Honest to God we do: tall white guy. (Shocker, I know.) His name is Rex Tillerson, and I will not lie to you, Enthusiasts: I cannot picture him. I keep up with the damn news, and I cannot picture the face of our current Secretary of State. That’s on them, not me. (In my head, Rex Tillerson is played by James Brolin.)
Sexy Rexy used to be the CEO of Sexxy Exxon, and while he was CEO he used a pseudonymous e-mail account to discuss Climate Change-related issues. Almost as if he didn’t want a recorded trail of how much he knew about how badly his company was poisoning the planet. Almost. The name he used was Wayne Tracker, which is not as good as Ron Mexico or Carlos Danger, but it’s close.
Wayne is Rex’s middle name, and you know he sat around brainstorming super-cool last names.
“Wayne Hunter. Nah, too obvious. Wayne Sniper. I like that. Wayne Pussy-Sniper. Yeeeeeeah. Wayne fuckin’ Pussy-Sniper, M.D.”
The reason I bring this up instead of the dozen other miserable details of today is, as always, to educate the Younger Enthusiasts and remind them of the Days Before. In a normal political atmosphere, this would be a massive deal. Zoe Baird. You don’t remember Zoe Baird. She was Clinton’s choice to be his first Attorney General, and it came out that she had employed an illegal immigrant as a nanny or maid or something. Bye-bye, Zoe.
But it turns out e-mails don’t matter.
THE SO VERY FRIGHTENING
Good job, Rachel Maddow.
This had been the 54th day of our national nightmare; may we all wake soon.