Fun fact: Wednesday, February Eighth is the toughest possible date to spell correctly.
Also a fun fact: Donald Trump looks like a Halloween doughnut left in a sex club locker for six months, and that rotten stooge took some dicks today. There was so much dick flying at Donny that the mainland ran out of dick, and China and Hawaii had to send backup dick. The House, the Senate, the Judiciary; shit, I think the Coast Guard might have taken a shot at the shit-eyed ghoul.
The House: Ryan all but conceded today, saying that the bill to replace Obamacare (Watchyoudieandlaughcare) would need a lot of revision, which is the exact opposite of what he said last week. Not that he cares, of course: Paul Ryan has two faces, and both of them are smirking at a poor person. But, he’s now in a bind. Ryan’s 40 votes or so away from being able to pass his plan, and those votes–the guys he now wants to make concessions to–are from the “Fuck ’em” section of the GOP. Giving them what they want makes passage in the Senate impossible, as several Republican Senators have said in public.
Devin Nunes. You know this fucking guy? Look at this fucking guy.
This fucking guy, right?
Devin Nunes is the Reprentative from California’s 22nd, which is Fresno and the San Joaquin Valley. A quick glance at his Wikipedia page shows that he doesn’t believe in Climate Change, is still accusing fellow lawmakers of being Communist sympathizers in the 21st century, and–I admit to skimming this part–is some sort of water vampire. And he loves him some Trump. TrumpytrumpTRUMP, he gotta have his Donald in the morning, Donald in the evening, Donald at suppertime. (Supper is meatloaf or a burnt steak with ketchup.) Devin was on Don’s transition team, even.
Devin is also the Co-Chair of the House Intelligence Committee, and looked to be a capable blocking back for the White House against investigations; as the majority chair, he’s close to a dictator about what gets on the schedule and what doesn’t. (The minority chair is a guy named Adam Schiff, who is a rabid Democrat who enjoys trolling the president on Twitter just as much as the rest of us. Adam is also from California: the 28th, which includes Burbank and West Hollywood. Really, all you need to know is that one guy’s from Fresno and the other’s from Weho. It explains a lot.)
So: the two of them (and others on the Intelligence Committee) were briefed today by the FBI re: Dum-dum’s wiretapping claim, and my boy Devin came out of that meeting looking like he’d seen a ghost cop. He made it crystal clear that, while he couldn’t reveal exactly what he did or didn’t see, there was no evidence that Obama had snuck into Trump Tower–heist movie-style, one would presume– and bugged the offices.
(SCREENPLAY IDEA: Obama’s 11. Biden plays the Brad Pitt character, and Michelle is Julia Roberts. TWIST: George W. Bush is on the team as the explosives expert, and he’s a good guy now and we all forget about all the bullshit he did and concentrate on how friendly-seeming he is.)
The Senate: How appropriate to be talking about the Senate today. Lindsey Graham is so mad that he may get the vapors. He and Chuck Grassley–both Republicans and Trump supporters, though Grassley is more enthusiastic about it–announced their holding up the White House’s judicial appointments until the wiretapping allegations are investigated, and then Lindsey said the “S” word. It hasn’t been two months, and subpoenas are being issued.
The Judiciary Committee was briefed by James Comey today, and holy shit I just realized James Comey is Keyser Soze. HE’S BEEN BEHIND EVERYTHING.
Simmer down, champ.
It’s all so obvious, man The clues were there all along.
Just get on with it.
China Have you heard of China? It’s big, and far away. Perhaps you’ve had a bastardized form of their cuisine, or watched a movie in which men and women kick one another. You might have heard of the song “China Cat Sunflower,” which references the country. (And also cats and sunflowers.) Or you might use products. Do you use products? Actually, “products” might be too specific. Let’s go with “things.” Do you use things? I use things. What about stuff? Do you enjoy stuff? I love stuff.
All the things come from China, and China produces all the stuff.
There’s a city in China that makes socks. 60,000 people there and they make 8 billion pairs of socks a year: statistically, you are wearing socks from Sock City right now. China makes everything now, and today they not-gently reminded the runny lump of hobo shit in the Oval Office that picking a trade war would be the dumbest idea since invading Russia in the winter
(Hey! There’s something stupid Donny definitely won’t do! Good to know: we will not be invading Russia in the winter. Everything else is still on the table including global thermonuclear war, but our cavalry won’t be getting bogged down by the snow in Petrograd. That’s good news, huh?)
Hawaii I know we annexed you for a reason, Hawaii. Derrick Watson, a District Judge in the warmer and smaller of the freak states, issued a worldwide ban on the president’s new travel ban hours before it would have gone into effect. In essence, it is the same story as the first little bit of the Recounting: someone holding the president to his word. Obama wiretapped you? Let’s see the evidence. The travel ban is a Muslim ban? Okay, fine, but that’s illegal.
The Department of Justice’s argument that this was a substantially different Executive Order was belied by WH aide Steven Miller (who is the mirror-universe version of George Stephanopoulos) going on teevee and saying that the second order would be the exact same thing. The court was also not impressed by the DOJ’s admonition to “not pay any attention to anything the president said.”
President Trump took the court’s decision with the dignity and equanimity that he’s famous fornojustkidding he held a rally and basically made the judge’s argument for him. Remember: the judge said that the EO was so similar to the first one that original decisions should still hold up. The White House and the DOJ argued that it was an entirely new creation.
The wetbrained toad said this at his rally tonight:
THAT’S THE JUDGE’S OPINION, MORON. I can’t believe we’re losing to this guy.
This has been the 55th day of our national nightmare; may we wake up soon.