In Which The Eternal Question “Who Did The Festering Fascist Piss off Today?” Is Examined Thoroughly, And, If Allowed By The Fullness Of Time, Jokes About Dicks Are Told.
Ireland Let’s start small. Dummy did this yesterday, but it’s too funny not to tell you about: the Irish President (Prime Minister? Head Leprechaun?) comes over to America every year around St. Patrick’s Day to do a little ceremony with the U.S. President, Ireland and America being inextricably linked through lineage and history and whatnot. The Irish guy (or gal) gives the American guy (or guy) a bucket full of shamrocks; it’s all very choreographed, one of those political kabuki things like pardoning the turkey on Thanksgiving, and no one really pays attention to it.
TotD, for example. I had no idea that this ceremony took place every year, mostly because no one ever fucked it up this badly before. First, Paul Ryan–who must be assumed to be auditioning for the role of Wile E. Coyote in the upcoming live-action Loony Toons reboot–tried prop comedy, and he ain’t no Carrottop: he pulled this shitty, sad pint of Guinness from under the podium; it looked like a glass of motor oil that had lost the will to live.
Also, you know:
“Hey, here’s what I think your culture is. You’re all drunks, right? Look! It’s a drink, ya drunks. C’mon, let’s drink and fight!”
And then Turnip gets up and does his “asshole child being forced to recite at church” routine with his prepared remarks; within them is an Irish proverb, which he…well, I don’t want to say “reads.” Closer to “sounds out the words.”
Can you guess?
C’mon, you can guess.
Bingo: not an Irish proverb at all. Actually written by–wait for it–a Nigerian–wait for it again–woman named Albashir Adam Alhassan and mislabeled on Pinterest as “Irish Wisdom.” Someone from the White House, while writing a speech for the president to give in front of a world leader, used Pinterest as a source. Also: go look at the lady’s name again and recall what religion they practice in Nigeria and have yourself a good chuckle.
England You know how tough it is to get England and Ireland on the same page? Those fuckers have hated each other since before America was a gleam in Ronald Reagan’s eye, but Trump–who is the exact shape and color of a traffic cone–managed it. Congratulations, Don. Thank you for all the winning you’re doing on our behalf.
The UK Government Communications Headquarters is the NSA with a monocle and a derby; it’s called the GCHQ. (Which is a dreadful initialism without any rhythm or panache. MI5: there’s a good name for a spy organization. GCHQ looks like the cat jumped on the keyboard.) The GCHQ, as you might imagine, is not given to public statements. Moreover, they are not given to public statements calling foreign leaders liars.
But they’ll make an exception for The Donnybrook, who has apparently chosen “Obama tapped Trump Tower” as the hill he’s going to die on, and now he’s shifted arguments: President Obama had the British do it, which is why there’s no evidence chain here in America. I could go on for a thousand words detailing all the reasons why that’s unlikely to the point of being impossible, but really: it just sounds so fucking stupid, and the GCHQ said so today in a statement.
They felt the need to release the statement because of what Turnip said while was pissing off…
Germany Angela Merkel is not fun. She’s not, as the cliché goes, someone you want to have a beer with. (Even though if you were having a beer with Angela Merkel, you would most likely be in Germany and therefore the beer would be very good and it might be brought to you by a busty fräulein in a dirndl.) The woman is a chemist who grew up in East Germany: she has never said “Whoopee” in her life, mostly because she can’t pronounce the W. Also: no fun.
What she is, though, is a politician. Merkel’s been in charge for 12 years, and not like Putin’s been in charge: she’s the leader of a free democracy with a parliamentary system. 12 years is forever to be in charge in a parliament, and she has overseen the end of multiple rivals’ careers. (Through politics and voting and shit, not Putin’s way. Oh, speaking of Putin: he absolutely detests Angela Merkel, and that makes her all right by me.) She’s such a politician, in fact, that she studied up for today’s meeting with Donald J.* Trump. Reviewed tapes of his speeches and press conferences, etc., and I hope you she read the transcripts, too. Trust me: the transcripts reveal so much more than listening to him about the depths of his shallowness.
Which is why Angela Merkel was most likely not surprised at the Petulant Effluent’s behavior today; he gave her The Full Donny: pathetic power plays, shit-eating grins, wild accusations, misunderstanding of international law, awkward attempts at humor. Really, all that was left to do was grab her by the katze.
North Korea Guess what: we’re the unreasonable ones now. I didn’t think it was possible, either, but our current Secretary of State–who appears so infrequently in public that he may well be a ninja–just told China and South Korea to fuck themselves with their “peace talk” hippie bullshit, and demanded Kim Jong-Un disarm unilaterally before any negotiations would begin. That sounds like a plan.
This has been the 57th day of our national nightmare; may we all wake soon.
*The “J” stands for “Jesus Christ, He’s Going To Get Us All Killed.”