Life is not a David Mamet play, Enthusiasts. You can tell by how arrhythmic the dialogue is. Things are mostly as they appear; people are generally who they seem. It looks like a cabal of Nationalists bent on alienating the world while wiping their asses with the Constitution led by a 12-year-old wearing an orange fat suit because that is what is happening: these fuckers are trying to privatize and/or destroy all government services so…well, there’s the part I can’t figure. The privatizing I understand: Trump and his buddies are greedy pigs who would shit in their own grandmother’s mouth to distract her while they rummaged through her purse. Alienating the world and destroying services…well, I’d say that endgame there is “the race war” if people wouldn’t accuse me of being melodramatic.

But–and this is the good news–they also look incompetent because they are. The Trump Administration is not playing the long con: they do not know what they’re doing. Imagine a monkey. Not even an ape, one of the little screeching fuckers with the long tails, and take that monkey to a high school and ask him to teach algebra. Back in the jungle, that monkey was in his element–great monkey, the best monkey, the most beautiful monkey–but now the monkey will not prosper, because he does not know the transitive property and will probably bite a couple kids.

They want to do such terrible things, and they’re so terrible at it.

(To continue the school metaphor because it amuses me: if the Trump White House became the administration of a high school, then–obviously–they would immediately begin planning to sell all the students into sexual slavery. Luckily for the students, Principal Trump would spend all day yelling offensive bullshit into the PA system (“I need the chemistry teacher with the giant cha-chas to come my office.”) and then get involved in decades-old intra-and-inter department battles; this would cause a strike. Also, the student newspaper would find out about the slavery deal, plus the cops would catch Bannon buying vodka for sophomore girls. They’d also maybe burn the goddamned school down, too. It is impossible to overstate how shit these jackals are at governing.)

So, here’s some terrible news from today, and the reason why the Monster Squad has already fucked it up:

Taxes – Oh, no!

As you know (if you only consume right-wing media), Turnip won big in the healthcare fight; from here, it’s on to a complete revision of the tax code that will slice rates for the rich, and for corporations. It might even include something the GOP is now calling a “border adjustment tax.” Who can guess what that used to be called? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Taxes – Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Since back here in Reality World the GOP took the worst kind of dick* on the healthcare bill, they no longer have the ability to pass the bill they want. They were counting on a trillion dollars in wiggle room that Obamacare’s repeal would free up, which is no longer there; this means they’d need to make their reforms debt-neutral to get through the Senate because of procedural rules OR get some Democrats to go in with them, and that isn’t happening.

Jared Kushner – Oh, no!

Look at this bullshit:

Did you see that bullshit? Sounds scary. Secretive group of unelected billionaires looking to use the Oval Office to imprint their philosophy upon history’s page. OOOOOOoooooooh. Scary.

Jared Kushner – Oh, for fuck’s sake.

You’re gonna laugh.

Did you laugh? I did. Jared Kushner is a little snot with a rich crook for a father–Ivanka married him for his money, not the other way around–and he’s got less blood than a normal human, and a double-eyelid called a nictitating membrane. He flickers them at people in meetings. Jared’s not particularly bright, but he chose the right mother and wife and so now he is going to save the world with the help of several tech bros and a couple guys from Goldman Sachs.

You wanna laugh again?

LEAD ADVISOR. So, you know: the VA, universal broadband, the entire computer system of the United States government aaaaaaaand the Middle East.

We need to pause here and delve into motive and intent, Enthusiasts. Let us state our assumptions first:

A) This is a herculean amount of work, and no human being could possibly succeed at everything; in fact, trying to perform all these tasks would most likely lead to poor performance at all these tasks.

B) These topics each contain an alexandrian amount of information, libraries’ worth, and mastering just one of them would require years of intense study and practice.

C) Any mildly intelligent person would understand A and B intuitively.

D) Jared Kushner is a mildly intelligent person.

And now we can ask our question. Is Jared Kushner: fucking around, not realize how mildly intelligent he is and think he’s capable of all of this, or does he think he’s getting away with something? My vote is C “thinks he’s getting away with something” partially because–like his father-in-law–he’s been getting away with it all his life, but also because he’s testifying in front of a Senate committee next on Thursday because he lied about a meeting he had with that pesky Russian ambassador who I simply cannot believe hasn’t been murdered yet.

The worst thing that ever happened to Little Jared was his father going to jail; if they have anything on him, he’ll turn on his daddy.

Devin Nunes – Oh, no!

There’s no “oh, no” with this guy, it’s all “oh, for fuck’s sake.” Remember when I told you (with no evidence) that when he disappeared the other day, only to emerge with top-secret documents that didn’t back up Turnip’s story but touted as if they did, that he got them from the White House? Yeah: he got them from the White House. The pinhead literally jumped out of a car at a light to go the White House. There were three other people in the car, and he thought no one would notice. Devin thought he was in a spy movie. And then he went to the White House, where they keep records of who comes in and out. You’re not just allowed to walk through the front door even if you’re invited: someone has to come get you, and they write down their name, too.

Devin Nunes is going to jail. I will take any bets that are offered. TotD makes no other predictions, but that man is too stupid to remain free.

This has been the 67th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.

 

*The worst kind of dick to take is surprise dick, followed closely by dry.