Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Daily Recounting 3/30/17

A drowning man will take you down with him. If you try to save him, that is, or get anywhere near him. Experienced lifeguards will advise you to render the victim unconscious with a length of rebar before attempting a rescue, or letting him die before you save him. Donny’s drowning, and he is desperately grasping for a handhold. A tiny, tiny handhold. He is attacking everyone in sight, with no regard for strategy or repercussion, and if it weren’t for the fact that the world was ending, it would be hilarious.

So, who’d Turnip pick fights with today?


I’m loathe to give the mushy pile of pumpkin shit advice, but NOOOOOOO. These are the stalwarts here, the ones who would have died marching for him, and Donny’s calling them out in public. He’s really fucking calling them out, too:

I give it until the end of next week: Trump in the presidential limo outside Meadows’ office, clinking beer bottles together.

“FREEEEEEE-dom Caucus! Come and out PLAAAAAAY-ay!”

This is not, as I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, the way to get people on your team. It also notifies the rest of the Republicans in Congress that you’ll turn on them the second they’re not useful to you any more. Washington’s not like New York or Hollywood: one bank doesn’t like your deal, take it to the next one; there’s a million production companies, and dozens of big buyers in L.A. It’s not like he can peddle his healthcare bill to a different legislative body.

(“Y’know what? Fuck the House. Let’s pitch the Knesset.”

“We can’t do that, Mr. President.”

“Warm the plane up!”)

Also: Raul Labrador is not a real name. Raul Labrador is a character from Little Aleppo’s long-running soap opera Tomorrow’s Yesterdays; he is a geologist/masseur, and he has an identical twin sister named Succulent Labrador.


What does this even mean, you rank simpleton? I guarantee you this ninny couldn’t explain to you why tariff wars are a bad thing if you spotted him the Smoot and the Hawley. China buys our cars, and some of our movies, and–I was surprised by this–American crops; we buy China’s everything. China made the thing I’m typing this on, and probably the thing you’re reading it on. America no longer makes a lot of stuff. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing is up for debate, but it is a fact. We do, however, love buying stuff so much. The only thing Americans like better than stuff is cheap stuff, and slapping a 20% tariff on said cheap stuff doesn’t mean China gives us 20%, it means we pay Walmart and Target 20% more. Plus, China starts ratcheting up the import taxes on our stuff. We know this because this is what has happened every single time it’s been attempted.

I’m a moron and I can understand this.

Also, we return to strategy: not the best idea to announce before a meeting, “I’m gonna be real prick to this guy!”

Also also, the Wigged Whiner invited President Jinping to Mar-A-Lago–because of course he did–and asked him to play golf, and here’s why this is funny: golf is a bit of a sore spot in China now. It’s an aspirational and bourgeois activity, and therefore banned, but that didn’t stop people from building golf courses all over the place; naturally, all the courses had a local Communist Party mandarin attached to them and the corruption became so rampant that Beijing had to step in, and you do not want Beijing stepping in. So, like I said, it’s a sore spot that could have been avoided by ten seconds of googling. Or by not dismantling the State Department.


I like how casual he is. “Change libel laws?” It’s like a note you leave yourself by the phone. “Ice cream cake for Timmy’s bday?”

Second: if those that claim these kind of tweets are “distractions” and that he does this intentionally are correct, then they must answer one question. If he’s so smart, why would he make himself look so stupid? There surely must be better distractions. Go after Arnold again. Call Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” People love that one. You don’t make it look as though you have no idea what the president actually does.

Unless, you know: you have no idea what the president actually does. This leads me back to reminding you of the greatest failing of the media during this campaign season: no one asked him how a bill becomes a law.


Can the president change libel laws?


Why not?

So many reasons.

This has been the 70th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.


  1. I STILL can’t figure out if it’s sheer manic evil genius or total rank incompetence; he looks like a boob at every turn, but it has no effect on him whatsoever. He literally copped to being a serial sexual predator on tape. He has unquestionably violated core principles of presidential decorum not limited to showing profound disrespect to multiple former holders of the office, giving us no idea of what his financial or business ties look like and having as key staff people/advisors his child/son-in-law, who are all tied to the same interests as he, and repeatedly telling his citizens what media they should consume.


    A hundred years from now, conservative historians will write about Trump’s ties to Russia and Obama’s birthplace/religion as twin examples of conspiracy-theory driven politics in the era of the post/9-11 loss of faith in national institutions and the rise of Internet-driven culture.

  2. The crops connection is why they are sending Iowa Governor Terry Brandstat (R) to be the Ambassador to China. When President Xi made his first state visit to U.S., he went to Washington (politics), L.A. (movies), and a tiny town in eastern Iowa (Oooo! So much pork! So so much!). Him and Terry had been buds when Xi came to U.S. in college for some sort of cultural education/exchange program.

  3. Why are you giving him advice? What if he reads this and figures it all out?

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