“Mr. Madison?’

“What is it, Jenkins? I told you not to bother me while I’m writing the Constitution.”

“It’s about that, sir.”

“This better not be that parliament talk again.”

“Why not? Maybe we don’t need a president.”

“We can’t have a parliamentary system because that requires you be able to call elections at any time, and America’s too big and spread out for that.”

“I don’t know if that argument makes sense.”

“Who’s the Founding Father here?”

“You are.”

“That’s right, I am. So stop bugging me. We decided on three branches.”

“Okay, but maybe the executive branch is more of a mascot to the other branches?”

“No, Jenkins.”

“How about this: make the Supreme Court in charge of the military.”

“What? That’s absurd.”

“Or me. Make me in charge of the military. Literally anyone but the president.”

“Stop it.”

“Fine. What if there’s an escape hatch clause?”

“What are you blathering on about?”

“An escape hatch clause. Like, if it turns out that the president is a deranged and irrational grifter who watches teevee all day and only trusts his immediate family?”


“Forget I said teevee. Concentrate on the other stuff.”

“Jenkins, have you not read the document? The executive may declare no war without the legislature’s vote.”

“Declare war, sure. But he could start one on his own.”

“Are you smoking opium again?”


“We should later.”

“Okay. What about money?”

“I’m not giving you any more. You just buy candy.”

“No, sir. What about the president’s money?”

“The man’s salary shall be $25,000, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir. But what about a ban on making any profit outside the office while one occupies it?”

“No, no. Should General Washington sell his farm?”

“Well, that’s one thing, but what if General Washington licensed his name to hotels in China?”

“You’re talking gibberish again, Jenkins.”

“Just add one line. Just one. ‘The president is not allowed to use Twitter.’ One line, Mr. Madison, please.”

“Jenkins, are you possessed by a demon?”

“Probably not, sir.”

“The document has been framed. We’re done. No more additions. You have no faith in the wisdom of the common man, nor in the wisdom of those who have created this government.”

“Yes, sir. How much did you pay for me?”

“Fifty dollars. You were expensive.”

“I’m sure the Constitution is just fine, sir.”

“No one asked you.”

“Yes, sir.”