What didn’t Trump know today?

  1. Who’s in charge of North Korea.
  2. Which way the aircraft carrier that he, in defiance of all sanity and against all prayers, commands is going.

And let’s tie those facts together for some late night fun: he thought that the aircraft carrier was going to North Korea. Yay, we’re all gonna fucking die.

Is David Osoff the future of the Democratic Party?

  1. First of all, his name is Jon.
  2. Maybe?

Did that last question lend itself to a numbered answer?

  1. Not at all.

Anyway, the United Kingdom is still Brexiting. In fact, they may be upping their game and going for a hard Brexit. All signs point to the situation turning into some sort of HyperBrexit by September. Theresa May is their Prime Minister now; she’s a Conservative, which are not like our conservatives, but they also kinda are. Brexit is British for Trump: an incredibly stupid idea foisted upon the cities by old people, racists, and the rural dumb. This morning, she called for elections, because that’s something you can do in England. It’s like calling Shotgun, I guess.

The Conservatives (also known as the Tories) are in charge now. David Cameron, who once fucked a pig’s head, was in charge but quit within minutes of the Brexit announcement, yelling “Fixed it!” over his shoulder as he sprinted towards somewhere, anywhere, just not here. So, Theresa May took over and promised not to call for early elections, but…oh, let CNN do the heavy lifting:

Romance isn’t dead.

Parliament is gridlocked and fractious now, but May and the Tories are strong in the polls; she hopes to consolidate her power before she starts the Brexit negotiations. Her challengers include the Labour Party (also know as the Wazzocks), the Liberal Democrats (also known as the Silly Pumpkins), and the U.K. Independence Party (also known as Nazis). None of them have their shit together; this Brexit is gonna get harder than Rocco Siffredi.

In other news, Turkey took a vote and decided that they wanted to be a dictatorship. Maybe the ebola virus is right.

This has been the 89th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.