I’ve been overestimating him, Enthusiasts. In my little skitches that I write? I have been spotting Trump at least ten IQ points, and that’s being charitable. My Donald speaks, if idiosyncratically, in complete sentences. His trains of thought run straight-ish.
But I have been mistaken.
The plan was to do one of said skitches, but I can’t; I don’t have it in me; not after this: the transcript from AP interview has left me without the will to live, or come up with racist things for Turnip to say. I feel like I need to be with people right now, and you’re the only ones available. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a stupid ride.
It does not start well. Also, “I don’t have to read it” is the Trump Administration’s motto.
(A reminder: he has had no legislative accomplishments, and spends the day watching teevee. His television habits will be a theme.)
It’s amazing the thing’s he’s always heard.
(You may be wanting to ripcord out of here right now, and y’know what? FUCK YOU, JACK! I had to read this and now I’ll never sleep again; you have to, too. I thought you were my ride-or-die.
Don’t be weird.
Get out of the parenthesis.)
It is at this point that my crush on the reporter began, and it was pure, Enthusiasts. I did not look at the byline before starting in on this…well, word salad isn’t correct, is it? Ingredients maintain integrity in a salad; this is more of a word slaw. Without any knowledge of physical attribute, or even clue towards gender, I fell in love. A sassy redhead? A balding schlub? Who were you, AP? Reveal yourself that I may love you.
SEE? She/he is the love of my life. And, yeah, the president’s a literal madman, but I need to make this journalist APotD. By this point in the transcript, I have decided his/her name is Agriculture Payne and will be played by Jessica Williams or Josh Molina when he was young and dewy.
“Have you seen the tremendous success? the bent man cried out. He had a stick. He had a bag. Where he was there had been a road when he was a child but now there was not. Three days since his last meal and two days since last saw a living creature. Squirrel. Missed it with his slingshot and did not waste a moment mourning. The squirrel looked down at him from its branch.
“Have you seen the tremendous success?”
When the fields caught fire they made a sound like banshees. The bombs just sounded like bombs.
“Have you seen the tremendous success?”
- No, it won’t.
- One percent is a terrible investment for anything. Unless it’s, like, owning one percent of Apple. That would be wonderful. But if this demented dildo is talking about a return, then one percent is awful.
- Also, he’s just pulling numbers out of his enormous ass.
We didn’t just buy a wall, we bought a super-duper, ultra-awesome, solid gold, red-white-and-blue, 3000 foot high wall with motherfucking RAIL GUNS and shit on it, and we’re gonna bomb Juarez or wherever.
Plus, the wall does not exist and will never be built. That means it costs either ∞ or ∅, depending on whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.
“Though passion may have strained, let it not break our bonds of friendship. Can I get you some coffee?”
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Have you eaten? I’ll have them send something up.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Try this peach. The best peaches, super-duper peaches.”
Oh, and that may be the biggest “by the way” I’ve ever encountered in the wild. They usually don’t grow that large. This motherfucker just by-the-wayed Only Korea.
If you’re keeping score, this is where I began drinking.
Here’s the question: do you think Donald Trump actually believes that this event he’s describing happened? (Representative Cummings most certainly did not say that to him.) Or is he just lying?
Second question: which is worse?
Barack Obama was the editor of Harvard’s law review. Just leaving that fact out there.
I wish I could not watch; we’re stuck here for now. Speaking of being stuck, Basketball Head kept the conversation firmly planted on the one topic he’s truly conversant in: teevee, and his love for it. Not kidding: the President of the United States spends a good ten percent of an interview discussing his favorite shows.
Did you know the man with the nuclear codes involves himself with news programs’ ratings?
Now you know. Weren’t you happier before you knew that?
Also: sudden 9/11. Where did that 9/11 come from? I didn’t see it coming, did you? That paragraph was just chugging along, insulting people and boasting, and then BOOM out of nowhere 9/11 shows up.
He won’t stop talking about his stories:
Peter Sellers was in this movie. It was called Being There. Oteil was in it, too.
Agriculture Payne, I love you. Let me take you in my stumpy arms and put my face in whatever you’re doing for genitals. You are dryer than a martini made of sand, and I love you.
Otherwise, this game has gotten weird and frightening, and I would like to be benched. This has been the 94th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.