I was in the bathroom, you see. Left my phone in the living room and brought in Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland. Big old book, and good, too: I may have remained enthroned for a while after completing my business. It was quiet in my bathroom, and cool. The light was good for reading.
And then I emerged to find the internet on fire.
Rod “Rosey” Rosenstein, who is the Deputy Attorney General until tomorrow when Trump fires him via Twitter, has named Robert “I Don’t Have A Nickname” Mueller as Special Counsel in charge of the Russia investigation. Mueller used to be the FBI Director–Dubya appointed him, and then Obama asked him to stay on an additional two years after his ten-year term–and served longer in the role than anyone who wasn’t a secretly homosexual monster.
Plus so much other stuff. So, so much.
Do you know what “persistence hunting” is, Enthusiasts? It’s an ancient way of getting dinner. Humans aren’t very fast compared to, well, every animal that isn’t Mitch McConnell. Can’t catch an antelope, and humans were around for hundreds of thousands of years before we figured out bows and arrows, let alone shotguns, so how can you bring venison home for the family?
Well, we have a secret weapon: endurance. Humans are built for distance, not speed. Legs compress and spring to save energy, and–most importantly–we can sweat. Antelopes, like most animals, expel their excess body heat through panting (like dogs) and this is not as efficacious as sweating. Like I said: humans aren’t fast, but we can keep up a steady jogging pace for days at a time.
(Not you and me, obviously. We’re fat and soft and weak from decadence and luxury. I’m talking about authentic humans here.)
Antelope would sprint a little bit, walk, sprint some more, walk, sprint a little less, walk a little slower, no more sprinting and just walking and around the second or third day of the chase, the overheated and exhausted animal would just collapse. Some of our ancestors had knives made from sharpened stone. Or you could just bash the animal’s head in with a rock.
We are the antelope in this scenario.
Now: this is not due to any sort of strategy. We’re well past the point where any non-biased observer can claim that Basketball Head is playing a long con; he simply has no idea what he’s doing and is flailing about. Once someone asks the FBI Director flat-out to drop a case against him, you can no longer assume intelligence on their part. I’m an unlettered dipshit, and I know not to do that.
Also, I’m not under FBI investigation for colluding with an enemy nation to fix a presidential campaign.
(A note to all of the chuckleheads, sops, and dimwits who feel like chiming in with “But Russia’s not our enemy.” YES, THEY FUCKING ARE. We don’t want to be “friends” with the Russians, because Russia doesn’t have “friends,” just countries that do business with it holding their nose. Fuck Russia forever except for the Flying Karamazov Brothers.)
So now we have a Special Counsel, which used to be called a Special Prosecutor until it was decided that the title was too aggressive. (I actually agree: being assigned your very own prosecutor just looks bad, even if you haven’t done anything. It’s like bringing a defendant into court wearing orange jail pajamas.) Robert Mueller was a Marine who served in Vietnam, and then the head of the criminal division of the DoJ, where he oversaw the Noriega case and Pan Am Flight 103, too.
Robert Mueller put John Gotti in jail.
And he’s got a staff and a budget, and he’s got subpoena power and he can press criminal charges. Oh, and Rosie was pissed when he wrote the brief empaneling Mueller. Check out how big a purview Mueller’s got:
[A]ny links and/or coordination between the Russian government and individuals associated with the campaign of President Donald Trump.
That’s-a spicy purview. Ever seen one so big? That purview is thicc, son.
Where do we go from here? Which is the way that’s clear? What did Ivanka know and when did she know it? All will be revealed in the fullness of time.
This has been the 114th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.