Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Daily Recounting 5/17/17

I was in the bathroom, you see. Left my phone in the living room and brought in Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland. Big old book, and good, too: I may have remained enthroned for a while after completing my business. It was quiet in my bathroom, and cool. The light was good for reading.

And then I emerged to find the internet on fire.

Rod “Rosey” Rosenstein, who is the Deputy Attorney General until tomorrow when Trump fires him via Twitter, has named Robert “I Don’t Have A Nickname” Mueller as Special Counsel in charge of the Russia investigation. Mueller used to be the FBI Director–Dubya appointed him, and then Obama asked him to stay on an additional two years after his ten-year term–and served longer in the role than anyone who wasn’t a secretly homosexual monster.

Plus so much other stuff. So, so much.

Do you know what “persistence hunting” is, Enthusiasts? It’s an ancient way of getting dinner. Humans aren’t very fast compared to, well, every animal that isn’t Mitch McConnell. Can’t catch an antelope, and humans were around for hundreds of thousands of years before we figured out bows and arrows, let alone shotguns, so how can you bring venison home for the family?

Well, we have a secret weapon: endurance. Humans are built for distance, not speed. Legs compress and spring to save energy, and–most importantly–we can sweat. Antelopes, like most animals, expel their excess body heat through panting (like dogs) and this is not as efficacious as sweating. Like I said: humans aren’t fast, but we can keep up a steady jogging pace for days at a time.

(Not you and me, obviously. We’re fat and soft and weak from decadence and luxury. I’m talking about authentic humans here.)

Antelope would sprint a little bit, walk, sprint some more, walk, sprint a little less, walk a little slower, no more sprinting and just walking and around the second or third day of the chase, the overheated and exhausted animal would just collapse. Some of our ancestors had knives made from sharpened stone. Or you could just bash the animal’s head in with a rock.

We are the antelope in this scenario.

Now: this is not due to any sort of strategy. We’re well past the point where any non-biased observer can claim that Basketball Head is playing a long con; he simply has no idea what he’s doing and is flailing about. Once someone asks the FBI Director flat-out to drop a case against him, you can no longer assume intelligence on their part. I’m an unlettered dipshit, and I know not to do that.

Also, I’m not under FBI investigation for colluding with an enemy nation to fix a presidential campaign.

(A note to all of the chuckleheads, sops, and dimwits who feel like chiming in with “But Russia’s not our enemy.” YES, THEY FUCKING ARE. We don’t want to be “friends” with the Russians, because Russia doesn’t have “friends,” just countries that do business with it holding their nose. Fuck Russia forever except for the Flying Karamazov Brothers.)

So now we have a Special Counsel, which used to be called a Special Prosecutor until it was decided that the title was too aggressive. (I actually agree: being assigned your very own prosecutor just looks bad, even if you haven’t done anything. It’s like bringing a defendant into court wearing orange jail pajamas.) Robert Mueller was a Marine who served in Vietnam, and then the head of the criminal division of the DoJ, where he oversaw the Noriega case and Pan Am Flight 103, too.

Robert Mueller put John Gotti in jail.

And he’s got a staff and a budget, and he’s got subpoena power and he can press criminal charges. Oh, and Rosie was pissed when he wrote the brief empaneling Mueller. Check out how big a purview Mueller’s got:

[A]ny links and/or coordination between the Russian government and individuals associated with the campaign of President Donald Trump.

That’s-a spicy purview. Ever seen one so big? That purview is thicc, son.

Where do we go from here? Which is the way that’s clear? What did Ivanka know and when did she know it? All will be revealed in the fullness of time.

This has been the 114th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.


  1. The Central Shaft

    May 17, 2017 at 11:50 pm

    John Ashcroft was on All Things Considered tonight.

    He recalled his nickname for Mueller was “Square Jaw McGraw.”

  2. You had me at “thicc.” Not totally kidding.

    Cautious optimism is too optimistic, but it’s a real possibility again that my anxiety medicine will remain 100% legitimate this year, and that is something.

    You’ve carried the mantle admirably, but goddamn I can’t remember aching for an Uncle Duke Book of Revelation-style evisceration so badly.

    Sure, I throw “thugs” and “jack-booted swine” around on Facebook but it’s low-grade snark at best, and a ripoff either way. These pigs deserve no less than violent devastation. Precise, but violent.

    • The Central Shaft

      May 18, 2017 at 1:18 am

      One or more members of the executive branch are due to have an intensely atavistic experience.

  3. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz huh love ya man but whaaaa Jerry?

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      May 18, 2017 at 12:17 am

      Your money will be refunded at the door if you are unhappy with the performance.

  4. I think it’s cute when people still think that anything short of a massive coronary will save the republic from eight years of Donald Trump and eight more of Ivanka.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      May 18, 2017 at 2:00 am

      I see where you’re coming from, but he’s just too incompetent to last. I thought he was Hitler, but he’s more like Mr. Magoo. All he’s got is his fanatical base, and that’s not enough to keep the GOP behind him.

      • Someone on a podcast pointed out that Democrats think politics works like The West Wing and Republicans think politics work like House of Cards: this administration works like Veep.

        • Thoughts On The Dead

          May 18, 2017 at 2:14 am

          I liked the first four seasons of Veep so much, but then that Antoniucci guy left and some Seinfeld writers took over for the fifth season and it got real sitcommy.

          But, yeah: I was terrified three months ago. I just don’t see this moron setting up concentration camps anymore. Riling up racists and idiots? Yes. But he’s just too fucking dumb to accomplish any great evil.

          He ain’t no Nixon.

          • You’ve seen Antonucci’s British stuff, right? If you haven’t, fucking drop everything right now and start pirating that shit.

            Trust a stranger from the Internet on this.

    • Totally take “cute” in good humor, but I know it’s better if we’re all wrong. Still could be – I was wrong one time before – but seems less and less likely every day. Nobody who gives a shit wanted the guy to fail, flagrant orange jackass or not.

    • Really?

      I find making predictions in this environment very challenging.

      To bring it back to the GD, I think we are in a
      “future events having an increasingly less predictable nature” scenario.

  5. Luther Von Baconson

    May 18, 2017 at 11:34 am

    Final Days is a go to in my WC. Also, What Am I Doing Here? the story about searching for the Yeti you see. During times of strain, been know to take the interwebs in there watch this

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