Why do I feel like I just got punched?
What’s the last thing you remember?
Checking the news.
There you go.
What the fuck is happening?
Where? There are legitimately a dozen different locations that question applied to today. Senate chambers? House? United Kingdom? Peru?
What happened in Peru?
I need you to concentrate.
I need you to need me.
Let’s leave the worst for last: what happened in the UK?
Ooh, they’re good at those lately. How bad did they fuck themselves this time?
No one quite knows yet, but it looks like there’s a hung Parliament.
Does that have anything to do with–
No, obviously fucking not.
Just asking. What’s a hung Parliament?
Before I answer, let me do this.
Did you just lower the Cones of Without Research?
I did, yeah.
Listen, I can’t go back to the news sites. I just can’t. I read all the articles and I’ll try to remember everything the best I can, but I can’t go back there. It’s sticky and I get trapped. I just want to write my little stories about magical fuckups, but there’s just so much fucking news all the fucking time.
You all right, champ?
I’m not all right; I’m what’s left.
That sounded a lot more clever in your head, didn’t it?
You wanna get back to politics and whatnot?
You need half+one of the House of Commons to have what’s called a majority government. If you don’t get that, then you have a hung Parliament, which requires building a coalition government.
Like in the Knesset or whatever the Italians call their circus?
Right. It’s a good recipe for getting nothing done, and also the exact opposite of what Theresa May wanted.
Start at the beginning.
There were a bunch of muddy druids on a drizzly island. Then, the Romans showed up.
Don’t do that.
Okay, this is the fault of David Cameron.
The guy who fucked the dead pig?
Yes. The modern Disraeli. A few years ago, David was the Prime Minister and in charge of the Conservative Party, which Theresa May also belongs to. He was being pestered from his right about breaking with the EU, mostly by the United Kingdom Independence Party.
It would make sense that they would push for independence.
So, David Cameron–with the self-confidence only available to a mediocre aristocrat–calls for a referendum on leaving the EU. The measure will be soundly defeated, and he’d never have to hear about it again.
How’d that go for him?
Resigned the day after he lost the referendum.
How’s the dead pig taking it?
Not well. The British public had voted to Brexit, but just barely, and now their new Prime Minister was going to have to negotiate the terms of the deal with Brussels. Ms. May was laboring under the delusion that the UK would be allowed to kinda-sorta Brexit, but got humiliated in a leaked meeting; the Europeans have absolutely no sense of humor about the Union. Or if they do, I can’t understand it. They think weird bullshit is funny over there.
Stay on target.
Figuring she’ll need a strong hand at the table, May decided to shoot the moon and increase her power by calling a special election.
You can just call an election?
Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
The sweetest sound I’ve e’er heard.
And a month ago when she called it? She looked like a political genius. Polls showed the Conservatives increasing their seats, and this would give her the mandate necessary to hold Brussels’ feet to the fire.
So what happened?
She didn’t campaign in Michigan and Wisconsin.
The Conservatives’ whole campaign was a shitshow, and the terrorist attacks actually hurt her. Her rival, Jeremy Corbyn, pointed out all the budget cuts in police and security that Ms. May and her party had passed.
Who’s Jeremy Corbyn?
He is the leader of Labour.
That’s a Communistic spelling of that word, and I will not abide by it. Are they like the Democrats?
No, they did well in an election today.
Ba DUM bum.
Well left of the Democrats. Corbyn’s basically a semi-reformed Commie.
And they won?
Does this mean the Brexit is off?
Is there going to be a new Prime Minister?
Any chance it’s Blackadder?
Then I don’t give a shit. What happened in God’s favorite country?
I told you: llamapocalype.
I meant America.
You really think America’s God’s favorite country right now? If I’m God, I’m avoiding our calls.
He has forsaken the US.
We deserve it.
True. So: what happened in the Senate?
Intelligence Committee, plus a confused old man from Arizona who had wandered in the chambers randomly, questioned former FBI Director James Comey.
So hard, but it’s been all day with the guy. I’m Comeyed out.
THAT WAS A MILLION FUCKING YEARS AGO! KEEP UP!
You need to lessen your news consumption.
No, there needs to be less news. Reading it used to take a half-hour a day, and every once in a while there would be an emergency. Now there’s an emergency every half-hour, and it takes all day to read about it.
Can we at least discuss the Republican defense of the President?
There was none. Well, Paul Ryan tried to help.
He’s adorable. What did he say?
“The President’s new to the job, and he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to obstruct justice.”
You’re shitting me.
Hand to God. The rest of the GOP was pretty quiet. The only people speaking for the White House were Trump’s real estate lawyer, who misspelled the word “president” in the first fucking line of his press release, and his ugly little child.
Damien or Shitty?
Damien. He live-tweeted the hearings.
Oh, that’s normal.
Edith Roosevelt did it a couple times.
I heard that.
She was a wild one.
What are the degenerates on Twitter saying?
They cherry-picked a few of Comey’s answers and twisted them around to declare the day a complete vindication for Donny.
Sometimes I envy people who believe in things. They have a purity to them.
It’s the exact same mindset as ISIS.
I know, but there’s fewer decisions to make. Someone tells you where to go, who to hate. Sounds like an easy life.
You wanna join ISIS?
I don’t have the grades.
What happened in the House?
They repealed Dodd-Frank.
Still wanna join ISIS?
Even fucking more now.