The first night of Hanukkah is dedicated, of course, to the Creator of All Things: G-D, Adonai, Hashem, YHWH. (The Abrahamic God has more names than Ol’ Dirty Bastard.) We thank Him for His protection, for without His love, the Jews’ history might have been rough. There is a large gift.
The second night is when we tell each other the story of Hanukkah, which no one remembers and none of the cousins have remembered to print out. Antiochus is involved, and the Second Temple, and one day’s worth of oil lasts for eight days. This is a miracle, and definitely not a miscalculation, or some bullshit Judah Macabee made up after the fact. The gift is half as large as the previous day’s.
On the third night on Hanukkah, Jews talk about Sandy Koufax, and how he was not only a great pitcher, but also a great man. The gift is now token. (The value of Hanukkah gifts over the eight nights can be plotted as a power-line curve.)
The fourth night of Hanukkah has no meaning, and this is intentional: Jews use it as a trap to discern non-Jew spies in their midst. If a Jew thinks you are pretending to be a Jew, he will ask you what the fourth night of Hanukkah represents. Any answer given will be wrong, and then rabbis will appear out of nowhere and beat you with shofars while telling interminable parables in a sing-songy voice.
The children are sent to play in the other room on the fifth night, when all adult Jews attend a virtual meeting to decide what wars will be fought in the next year, and the kinds of movies and television shows to be made.
The sixth night of Hanukkah is all about mitzvah, which means charity. From Tev Aviv to Los Angeles, Jews take this evening to drive around town throwing sandwiches at the poor. A kid I went to Hebrew school with could hit a hobo with a hoagie from fifty yards, car wouldn’t even slow down: talented kid with a big heart.
On the seventh night, the 1986 television mini-series Shaka Zulu is screened. G-d said so.
The final night of Hanukkah will be split into two nights this year to maximize profits.