Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Fears Of TotD

  • Thunder.
  • Thunder is bullshit and it frightens me and I can’t even imagine what the cavemen went through when there was a thunderstorm; i know what it is and it still scares me.
  • After a second’s reflection, I now realize that I have no idea why thunder happens, but I still hate it so much.
  • All the movie monsters from the 80’s: Freddy and Jason and Michael Myers and Candyman and Pumpkinhead and the rest of them.
  • I was also afraid of many VHS box covers at the Video Library, for example: the murderous Santa arm with an axe emerging from a chimney, or the grinning skull on the cover of Faces of Death.
  • (This is an old and well-worn point, but Faces of Death was out in front where children were actively encouraged to look at it by the surly weirdo employees of Video Library, but the fuck flicks were in the backroom, and that just evinces the strange relationship with reality that humans have.)
  • Bodies of water I cannot see the bottom of.
  • Being muddy.
  • Spiders, de facto.
  • (De jure, I am completely for spiders: there are thousands of varieties and each has adapted its own way to hunt, plus they eat things I hate. In real life, though? Get that spider away from me or I will slap you, hard, and on your testicles.)
  • The kind of steps that don’t have risers, so any of the assorted basement monsters could just reach a claw through and slice your Achilles tendon and there go your NBA dreams.
  • Never knowing true love.
  • Never knowing what human flesh tastes like.
  • Peepholes.
  • It’s not that I think people can see in; I think that when I look out, there will be a clownmonster standing there.
  • Or Billy.
  • Having to throw a football in public.
  • Hospitals.
  • Turning into a wendigo.
  • Appearing fancy-schmancy in any way.
  • Terrordactyls.


  1. Thunder??? Thunder?????????? THUNDER??????? YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA FOR SHIT’S SAKE

    Having to throw a football in public oh my god im screaming

    and the bodies of water thing. dude. I literally woke up screaming one time because I had a dream that I was being attacked by these giant monstrous ravens in a body of water whose bottom I could not see. The ravens didn’t bother me: it was the water. I’m getting freaked out rn.

    ps ur old

  2. i did not know that you had NBA dreams. this is causing cognitive dissonance.

  3. Dude, killing spiders is one of the few uses the wimmens have for us men.

  4. You are the only other person I’ve ever heard mention the stairs with no risers phobia. I’ve had it forever.

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