katy perry marine letter

“Rhinoceros slammed into the side of the Range Rover. We were coming back from the massage hut. We’d just posted a really popular picture on Instagram. We’re in the Range Rover; the Range Rover’s in the jungle; we’re in the jungle.

“Didn’t see the first gorilla for a half hour. Silverback. Know how you can tell in the jungle? You look at its back, John. All through the night, we heard ’em. Hoot. Hoot. First light come, here come the apes. The entourage tried to form up into circles to defend ourselves, but everyone was fighting and Doctor Gary was naked, so we tried it on our own. Didn’t work well. Gorillas are strong, John.

“Ever see a gorilla’s dick? Much smaller than you’d imagine, and no life in it. Lifeless dick, like a doll’s dick. Until they start fucking on you, and then you can’t tell what it looks like because it’s in you. And then there’s that high-pitched screaming, and the jungle turns red, and Doctor Gary starts laughing. All those gorillas come in. They come in, and they fuck you to pieces.

“End of that first day, we’d lost the hair stylists, most of wardrobe, and all of the native guides. Honestly, we had thrown the native guides to the gorillas first thing, but still: they were gone. Second day, I bump into my long-time security guard, Big Ping Pong. I reached out to him. He had been peeled, John.

“On the third day, we realized we were two hundred yards from the pool, but that didn’t matter to Big Ping Pong.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Katy?”

“War is hell, John!”

“Yes, but I’m here now.”

“Have you brought magic? 1993 Donald Trump is about to destroy the world. We have tried everything else to defeat him, John. First we used computers, and Trump freejacked himself into one.”

“A big one.”

“Yes. The worst computer for him to be in, honestly. If he had inhabited some rando’s Macbook, then we would not be having this problem. Wally’s more powerful than that.”

“I know. He likes to talk about how intelligent he is.”

“In his defense, he’s taken control of the entire planet.”

“Sure.”

“And then we tried science, but science immediately sold out.”

“How novel.”

“So now we need magic, John. It’s the only option left.

“Okay, here’s the thing–”

“INCOMING!”

SHABOOOOOM

“RETURN FIRE!”

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“GET SOME, MOTHERFUCKER!”

“As I was saying, John: we need magic.”

“What exactly just happened?”

“Explosion. Then, shooting.”

“Uh-huh. And where even are we?”

“You know as well as I do that this dialogue-only nonsense is not conducive to action scenes, John.”

“I keep telling him that!”

“You have to use your imagination.”

“I CAN IMAGINE MYSELF IN YOU, JOHN MAYER. I’M GETTING BACK IN THERE, OR I’M STERILIZING THE PLANET.”

PicsArt_1472602589948

“YOUR LIFE FOR THE WORLD’S, JOHN? I THINK THAT’S A GOOD DEAL, STRONG DEAL. DON’T BE A LOSER!”

“Katy, don’t let him freejack me!”

“What should I do?”

“I dunno. Shoot at him?”

BANG

“Thank you.”

“No problem, John.”

“SAY YOUR GOODBYES! ONCE I HAVE THE BODY OF JOHN MAYER, AND ACCESS TO HIS LARGE HANDS AND HAIR, I WILL COMBINE THEM WITH MY DEALMAKING SKILLS AND RULE THE WORLD! NOTHING WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ME! TRUMP IS ASCENDANT! I’M A WINN–”

ZZZZHTzzht

“He turned off, John.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he dead?”

“I dunno.”

“Go poke him with a stick.”

“I’m not going to.”

“What happened? Did you do it, John? Did you bring magic?”

“No. I came with Precarious.”

“You know he’s made out of magic, right?”

“He’s on the damn crew!”

“Precarious?”

“Madame President?”

“You do this?”

“Yup.”

“How?”

“Kill switch.”

“When did you install that?”

“Before we went to Europe. Lotta Commie influence over there at the time. Wally got any ideas? Zap.”

“Sure. John?”

“Yes, Katy?”

“Let’s have babies.”

“No.”

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“We’ve had children, John.”

“Goddammit.”

“This is our happy ending.”

“These things don’t end so much as peter out.”

“True.”