Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The French Election: An FAQ

Who won the French election?

Guy named Macron who’s married to his mother.

This Macron fellow have a first name?

I’m sure. Francois? Jacques? Serge?

Just say that you don’t know.

I don’t, and I don’t feel bad about my ignorance. If anything, I now know way more about French politics than I want to or should.

Why do you even know the infinitesimal amount that you know?

Same reason the rest of the world does: his opponent.

Who was?

Imagine if Donald Trump could grab his own pussy.

You mean, like, if he were thinner and could actually access his own genitals?

No, if he were a lady.

I am now thinking of Donald Trump in a flowery sundress and big church hat.


This is not a good mental image.

No, not at all.


Oh, calm down. Let’s get through this and then we can enjoy some pornography.

Ooh, porn. Okay, tell me about this lady.

Marine Le Pen.

Is that French for something?

Lester Maddox.

Language is fascinating. Tell me more about Mme. Le Pen.

Her party is called the National Front.

And I now know all I need to know.

Right? The conversation can pretty much end there.

I’ll bet a lot of people won’t accept that, and demand actual evidence of her shittiness.

Shitty people will, and then they’ll never listen to your answers. She’s Trump, she’s Nigel Farage. Exact same bullshit: nationalism, isolationism, racism. All the -isms. Le Pen’s a little different in that she’s presentable and well-spoken. Bernard-Henri Levy calls her a fascist with a human face.

BHL said that?

He did.

I don’t like that guy, either.

He blows.

Is there anyone acceptable in that whole country?

Jean Reno.

Good call, yes.

Only good part of the 90’s Godzilla.

Okay, so France was given the choice of their own Trump and said “Non!” Great. What’s the name of the guy they elected, again?


And he is a…


More information, please.

He was born in France, married his high school teacher, got fitted for some suits, and now he’s the president of France.


Of course. You don’t think he’d wear an off-the-rack suit, do you?

The teacher thing.


Wow. The French.

The French.

But what does he believe in? Is he a socialist? France loves those.

Not so much right now. You know how the United States needs a little bit more socialism?


France might need juuuuust a skooch less. There’s a proper amount of socialism that a country needs. Too little and people die without healthcare, too much and it’s impossible to get anything done. The guy Macron’s replacing, Hollande, is a socialist. Old-school pinko.

Is he retiring?

Kind of. In the sense that everyone hates him. He was at around 5% approval ratings when he decided to retire.

Five? Jesus. Cosby’s at ten.

And the socialist got creamed in the primary election.

Oh, France has a system of primaries like ours?

Please don’t wish our political system on other countries. It’s rude.


France does not have primaries. They had a primary election with five (six? six?) people, and the top two go on to a run-off.

That must take forever.

A month. The whole process was completed in a month.

What’s wrong with us?

So much.

We still haven’t gotten to Macron’s positions.

He had one position. “I am not a crazy, hateful idiot who wants to drive the train off the cliff.” French voters responded to that message, and due to Macron’s lack of political background and the brevity of the campaign, his opponents were unable to get anything truly terrible to stick.

Did they try?

Would you believe that all of his e-mails were hacked and dumped right before election day?

That’s so weird!

Right!? Coincidental!




Vikileaks released all of them.

I thought it was Wikileaks.

In the original Russian, it’s Vikileaks.

Did it work?

Obviously not. Also, French media can’t report on the election for a certain amount of time before it happens, so the dump may have come too late to do anything even if it was going to.

Can’t report on the election? How does that work?

It’s a law.

That’s the most unconstitutional thing I’ve ever heard.

Gonna just pretend you didn’t say that, chief.

So, did the good guys win?

Way too early to tell. Probably not, but you never know.

Did the bad guys lose?


I’ll take it.

Me, too.

1 Comment

  1. SmokingLeather

    May 9, 2017 at 4:15 am

    “I’ll take it.” This is so close to my internal monologue about this election.

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