LIVING ROOM – 710 ASHBURY
(GARCIA, BOBBY, BILLY (played by Alec Baldwin for two weeks until he called the director a homo, and now played by Carol Channing), and PIGPEN (played by the chandelier from Phantom of the Opera) are present.
The mood is downcast. Garcia fiddles with a guitar. Billy does jazz hands.)
SONG: WHAT’S IN A NAME?
(Phil, played by Tommy Tune, bursts in the door holding a vinyl record.)
Whatever you doing, guys, put it aside
My news just might blow off your socks!
I was down at the record shop–
And guys, we’re not the only Warlocks!
(Phil shows them the record cover. There is falling about and gnashing of teeth.)
How can they do this?
I think it’s a plot!
We are the Warlocks
They’re certainly not!
I say we slice ’em up, dice ’em up fine
Rip off their flesh and then coat them in brine
And stick great big guns in their dirty assholes
Then feed their families to muskrats and moles
Set fire to everything they’ve ever loved
Their houses and hair and their first-baseman’s gloves
So all that they have now is covered in flame
And then maybe next time they won’t steal our name.
(The music stops and everyone stares at Billy.)
Or we could just pick a new one, I guess.
(A spotlight illuminates Garcia.)
What’s in a name?
Who am I, Gertrude Stein?
What’s in a name?
It should sparkle and shine.
Something with a bit of mystery
Something from the depths of history
Something with some blood and also dirt
(The other four stand up and assemble into a barbershop quartet.)
Something that looks bitchin’ on a tee-ee-shirt!
The Mythical Ethical Icicle Tricycle!
That is a name that’s as good as they come!
It’s too tough to say.
And it’s too hard to spell.
And I can’t fit it on my bass drum.
Let’s hear your ideas, then
I bet that they’re great.
How about Ratdog?
I like Doctor Fate.
I got it!
(Billy crosses to CENTER STAGE.)
Let’s call ourselves Billy & The Billys!
(Billy tap dances for an uncomfortably long time.)
(THE DEVIL DRESSED AS A DICTIONARY enters, played by Bea Arthur.)
So you need a name?
Well, that’s my game.
You can find fame
With a really boss name
Your lives won’t be the same
No, this isn’t a game
Boys, don’t be so lame
Come and find your new name
(The BEARS enter and dance with THE DEVIL, who is played by Bea Arthur.
A DICTIONARY BATHED IN A GOLDEN SHAFT OF LIGHT descends from the ceiling. The band gathers around it.)
The Grateful DEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD!