Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Hand Of God

pope francis soccer ball

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I got-a da ball. I’m-a da Messi. Gonna kick-a da goal.”

You sound so excited, Your Holiness.

“And when-a I score? I’m-a gonna take off-a my cassock. Run around-a da field.”

That’s a little wild for a pope.

“Si, si. The nuns would-a get scared.”


“You see-a da swoosh? Just-a do it? That’s-a da good advice.”

You think people should just do it?

“Si, but-a the ‘it’ should-a be devoting your life-a to Christ.”

Right. No conversation with you strays too far from Jesus, does it?

“He’s-a my guy.”

Didn’t they have a big soccer tournament recently?

“Is-a called football.”

My grandfather stormed the beach at Normandy for my right to call that socialist child’s game whatever the hell I wanted, Your Holiness. Excuse my language.

“You’re-a forgiven.”

This was a European thing, though, right? Argentina wasn’t in it?

“Argentina is-a no in Europe.”

There are some islands right off the coast that are in Europe.

“Don’t make-a me sic the Swiss-a Guards on you.”


“Is-a da Euro Cup. I-a root for-a Italy but they-a stunk.”

Who’s your team now?

“I root-a for Iceland. I like-a da Vikings.”

They’re scrappy.

“And they’re not-a France.”

And that. Are there any Catholics in Iceland?



“We-a counted. Is-a whole country of-a atheists who-a believe in-a da elves.”

And fairies.

“They love-a da fairies. And-a da Thor. Not so much-a da Jesus.”

But you’re still rooting for them.

“Who would-a Jesus cheer for David or-a Goliath?”

Good point.

“That’s why I’m-a da Pope-a.”


  1. I saw what you did there with that title.

  2. The Pope talks like Chico Marx? Who knew?

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