Mickey used to give his horse acid. He would dose his horse and his dog and they would trek around his ranch for hours while Mickey pretended he was the Jewish cowboy hero, the Lone Kvetcher. Mickey said that he was careful to figure out the horse’s body weight so he could calculate the proper dose.
THE PROPER DOSE OF LSD FOR A HORSE IS NONE, MICKEY. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. That’s some Michael Vick-type shit right there.
(Please don’t take this as coming from a man with a fondness for horses. Horses are like giant, creepy aliens and they are scary dumb and I openly advocate a cull of the pointless beasts. We could turn it into a holiday: Pull the Trigger Day. Anyone who wanted to could bring a gun, or rent one, or just use a fungo bat, whatever, and at the stroke of three Eastern Standard Time, everybody makes all the terrifying horses go away.
Now, I feel this way about remarkably many species: there is a bird outside, around 16 inches tall. Grey body, white head. Long, tapering beak pointed straight down at his belly. (His? Why not ‘hers’? THESE BLOGGINGS ARE SEXIST TOWARDS BIRDS.) He also has the posture of Richard Nixon: shoulders up and in, head thrust forward, saying horrible things about the Jews. I like that bird a lot. He can stay. As for the rest of the animals: exterminate the brutes.
And yet, I also know that I might in fact be a complete psychopath on this issue. Probably not: I cannot see a logical or ethical problem with a massacre on the scale of such that it would almost certainly summon Chthulu, or at the very least, Chthu-Lou, who was not quite an Old God, more of a God Who’s Not A Kid Anymore, Let’s Face It, but he looked like the Big C and so would do parties and such.
What I do object to is Fucking With Animals. Getting them high, fighting them, doing sex stuff on them, pure-breeding them, dressing them up in Star Wars costumes: for Christ’s sake, hasn’t anyone heard of dignity?