Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Ice Cream Kid

Hey, Mark Zuckerberg.

“Oh, hey. Are you an American?”


“Great. Can I listen to you?”

What does that mean?

“I’d like to hear about you. Your past, your dreams, your worries. You. Tell me about you.”

I’m uncomfortable.

“I just want to listen. C’mon, I’m listening.”

I’m gonna go.


You’re the worst, Mark Zuckerberg.

“I know. This is not going well.”

What are you even doing?

“I go from town to town and people perform their lives in front of me. Then there are pictures taken.”

Why are you doing this?

“Can you keep a secret?”


“Then I won’t tell you.”

You wanna be president.

“How’d you guess?”

The only people who go to the places you’re going are stand-up comics, travelling salesmen, and presidential candidates. Dude, give it up. No one wants you to be president.

“That’s because they haven’t been told what to want yet.”



Thought so. Politicians have to give speeches.

“I’ve given plenty of speeches.”

Yeah, but you do it like a wiener in your little hoodie. Presidents wear suits.

“That’s not in the Constitution. President can wear whatever he wants.”

Zuck, buddy, I would rather have Trump than you flopping around that Oval Office in your exercise garment. Unacceptable on every level.

“I notice you haven’t asked me my positions.”

Rapacious and unregulated growth for corporations with a shmear of semi-progressive cultural bullshit on top?

“Wow, Nailed it.”

Honestly, man: you don’t even want this job anymore. It’s like getting hired on as a janitor at the World Trade Center on September 12th.

“Lot of 9/11 references tonight.”

Weird. Plus, you know how long it’s gonna take to get the smell of old man farts out of there?

“That doesn’t matter. I’ll do anything I can to help the country.”

Fix Facebook.

“I’ll do almost anything I can to help the country.”

You ever hear the saying “Mow your own lawn before you paint your neighbor’s porch?”


Me, neither.

“You don’t think I can be president?”

That’s beside the point. I think you can because I now believe literally anyone can be elected to the post. We’re discussing should. Don’t you have an island?

“I have several islands.”

Well, there you go. Or buy a team. Or be a rich pervert. You don’t want to do this. You’re not good at it.

“I want to be president.”

Okay, I tell you what. Go be mayor of San Francisco for a term or two. Or governor of California. They like electing famous people governor. Go be a mayor or a governor for a while and then come back and we’ll talk.

“But I want to be president.”

Go away.


  1. Still waiting to hear from Zuckerberg about the 60 Minutes piece outlining Facebook employees working for Trump campaign, actually working in the Trump office. How about it, Mark?

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