Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Ides Of February Weren’t So Great, Either

“Good morning, sir. My name is Agent Orange. Why don’t you take a seat.”


“You’re going to need to stop speaking Ancient Greek, sir. You do speak American, right?”

“Do you mean English?”

“No, sir. President Trump signed an Executive Order last night renaming the language.”

“Ah. Well, yes. I do speak American.”

“Wonderful. Name?”


“Is that your first name or last name?”

“Only name.”

“I have to fill in all the boxes, sir. You can’t just have one name. How about Bob?”

“In what regard?”

“For your first name.”

“Bob Socrates? That’s terrible.”

“Well, I’m just brainstorming. What about Socrates Johnson?”

“That’s even worse. I sound like a basketball player in a movie written by a white guy.”

“All right, fine. We’ll come back to it. Why are you applying for refugee status, Socrates?”

“I had to leave Athens.”


“The other one.”

“Sure. And what is the danger? Lot of political strife in Athens?”

“We literally invented political strife.”


“Every summer.”

“Wow, sad. So: you a Muslim?”

“A what now?”






“Oh, I heard of that one. But, no.”

“What is your religion, then?”

“Mixture of Olympian worship, chthonic dread, and goat sacrifice.”

“You seem like a nice guy, so I’m gonna mark you down as a Christian. So, you want freedom, huh”

“I don’t know. Is freedom virtuous?’

“Course it is.”

“All freedom?”

“American freedom.”

“Ah. So only some forms of freedom are virtuous.”

“No, just more virtuous than others.”

“Oh, all freedom is virtuous?”

“Hell, yeah.”

“A rich man murders his servant without reason. Because of this man’s wealth and power, he is not punished. When this man walks about in the sun, is that virtuous?”

“Uh, no. No. He should be in jail.”

“Then we are back to believing that only some forms of freedom are virtuous.”

“Well, you can’t just go around doing whatever you want. There are laws.”

“Are these laws virtuous?”

“They’re supposed to be. If you follow the law, then you’re on your way to being virtuous.”

“So virtue is attained not through freedom, but from the law?”

“Yes. No. Wait. I don’t know.”

“That’s the right answer.”

“I feel like we’ve made a breakthough here, Socrates.”


“Let’s get you into America, huh? Just a couple more questions. Ever convicted of a crime?”


“Ah. And they were?”

“All related to the youth of Athens.”

“Shit. You got convicted of fucking kids?”


“Fucking kids isn’t a crime.”

“We’re done.”

“You can teach them stuff, and their balls are so smooth.”

“Get out.”

1 Comment

  1. Solid gold!

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