Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Importantest People

DEAD TOUR! (Kinda!) There’s gonna be another Dead tour, or what passes for one these odd days, and it’s coming to a venue near you, as long as you don’t live in South Florida. (Then, it’s coming nowhere at all near you. Second year in a row. Thanks, fuckheads.) Citi Field, and Fenway, and the Hollywood Bowl this year–very glamorous–and once again CID Entertainment Guest Services will be there to take care of you, the fan, and to take really good care of you, the rich fan.

As always, the highest-end guest experience is not detailed on the website: you have to know a secret URL, and get a password; otherwise, poor people could look at the site, and that would make it dirty. There’s the “Scarlet>Fire” Seamless Experience™, and then there’s the “Steal Your Face” VIP Experience™, topped off by the “Golden Road” Super VIP Experience™.

But TotD’s here to tell you: there’s something else. The Praetor’s Suite.

A Praetor’s Suite package includes the following:

  • One (1) GA ticket OR premium reserved ticket in the first five (5) rows OR you can sit anywhere you want and we’ll tell the asshole sitting there to move.
  • Door-to-door concierge to fetch snacks for you, hold your drugs if you meet a cop, and agree with you when you complain about the songs being too slow.
    • Praetor’s Suite guests may have sex with (or keep) their concierge at the end of the show.
  • Access to Bertha’s, the exclusive lounge we are not even telling the regular VIPs about.
    • Open bar.
    • Open kitchen, which makes the place look so much bigger.
    • Complimentary hors d’oeuvres
    • Complementary hors d’oeuvres. (The pigs in a blanket and the egg rolls just go well together.)
  • One (1) digital copy–1080pi and HD sound– of the show you attend, loaded onto a MacBook Pro. (Shipped directly to your home.)
  • One (1) limited-edition, collector’s item, screen-printed, hand-signed and numbered poster that probably has those fuciking bears on it. (Shipped directly to your home.)
  • One (1) box of shit laced with super-ebola that explodes when you open it. (Shipped directly to your enemy’s home.)
  • One (1) thoroughbred horse. (Shipped directly to your home after the show, or you could eat it at set break.)
  • Access to Praetor’s Parking Lot for 72 hours before and after show.
  • Access to monster truck with which to drive through regular parking lot, crushing poor people’s cars.
  • Meet-and-Greet with the band.
  • Fuck-and-Suck with Billy. (PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP ONLY! Call for pricing. Not available at Fenway Park show.)
  • One (1) foreign person to marry. (CID Entertainment Guest Services realizes that these are frightening times, so if any of our Praetor’s Suite guests wish to assume residency in another country through marriage, then we can facilitate the nuptials through our Travel Packages. WARNING! While CID has vetted our foreigners carefully for wealth and education, laws prevent us from hiring based on gender. CID can guarantee that your foreigner will be landholding, and a skilled lover. We cannot guarantee the specific kind of love.)
  • One (1) piece of rebar to swing at the impoverished urchins standing between you and the merch table.

4 Comments

  1. Not a rich fan but I secured two tickets to Sunday at Shoreline with their ridiculous texting scheme yesterday. When I went back on to check for Saturday, the price was north of three times what I paid for the shitty seats on Sunday. Thanks but no. This will be my first Bro&Co experience and I’m looking forward to it almost as much as if it were JRAD.

    Never miss a Sunday show, right?

  2. Did someone say.. something about getting on with Billy?

  3. My Thoughts on VIP…

    I had a good year financially in 2015 and it was the first shows for my wife, so I splurged at DearJerry and Santa Clara for VIP tickets. I was so stressed that I would not get tickets to any shows, that VIP felt worth it.

    Dear Jerry.. Meh, not worth it.

    For a stadium show however. Also my wonderful wife’s first intro to our world, I thought VIP was worth it. Clean bathrooms, no lines, twizzlers and M&M’s !! The lounge area was right next to our seats. A quiet break place.

    Really..
    do the math.. ToTD.

    You are too high, sitting in the sun, sleep deprived, and during break some man comes around with a tray of Twizzlers, M&M’s and a coke !!

    That is priceless.. like sell your children priceless.

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