DEAD TOUR! (Kinda!) There’s gonna be another Dead tour, or what passes for one these odd days, and it’s coming to a venue near you, as long as you don’t live in South Florida. (Then, it’s coming nowhere at all near you. Second year in a row. Thanks, fuckheads.) Citi Field, and Fenway, and the Hollywood Bowl this year–very glamorous–and once again CID Entertainment Guest Services will be there to take care of you, the fan, and to take really good care of you, the rich fan.
As always, the highest-end guest experience is not detailed on the website: you have to know a secret URL, and get a password; otherwise, poor people could look at the site, and that would make it dirty. There’s the “Scarlet>Fire” Seamless Experience™, and then there’s the “Steal Your Face” VIP Experience™, topped off by the “Golden Road” Super VIP Experience™.
But TotD’s here to tell you: there’s something else. The Praetor’s Suite.
A Praetor’s Suite package includes the following:
- One (1) GA ticket OR premium reserved ticket in the first five (5) rows OR you can sit anywhere you want and we’ll tell the asshole sitting there to move.
- Door-to-door concierge to fetch snacks for you, hold your drugs if you meet a cop, and agree with you when you complain about the songs being too slow.
- Praetor’s Suite guests may have sex with (or keep) their concierge at the end of the show.
- Access to Bertha’s, the exclusive lounge we are not even telling the regular VIPs about.
- Open bar.
- Open kitchen, which makes the place look so much bigger.
- Complimentary hors d’oeuvres
- Complementary hors d’oeuvres. (The pigs in a blanket and the egg rolls just go well together.)
- One (1) digital copy–1080pi and HD sound– of the show you attend, loaded onto a MacBook Pro. (Shipped directly to your home.)
- One (1) limited-edition, collector’s item, screen-printed, hand-signed and numbered poster that probably has those fuciking bears on it. (Shipped directly to your home.)
- One (1) box of shit laced with super-ebola that explodes when you open it. (Shipped directly to your enemy’s home.)
- One (1) thoroughbred horse. (Shipped directly to your home after the show, or you could eat it at set break.)
- Access to Praetor’s Parking Lot for 72 hours before and after show.
- Access to monster truck with which to drive through regular parking lot, crushing poor people’s cars.
- Meet-and-Greet with the band.
- Fuck-and-Suck with Billy. (PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP ONLY! Call for pricing. Not available at Fenway Park show.)
- One (1) foreign person to marry. (CID Entertainment Guest Services realizes that these are frightening times, so if any of our Praetor’s Suite guests wish to assume residency in another country through marriage, then we can facilitate the nuptials through our Travel Packages. WARNING! While CID has vetted our foreigners carefully for wealth and education, laws prevent us from hiring based on gender. CID can guarantee that your foreigner will be landholding, and a skilled lover. We cannot guarantee the specific kind of love.)
- One (1) piece of rebar to swing at the impoverished urchins standing between you and the merch table.