Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Internet Police, They Live Inside Of My Mac

Internet-police

Maybe you should get a proxy if you’re gonna keep torrenting movies.

I didn’t think they’d notice.

Was it one of those dopey superhero movies?

Yeah.

A Marvel movie?

Yeah.

Marvel that’s owned by Disney?

Yeah.

You thought Disney wasn’t paying attention?

It was a holiday weekend. I figured their lawyers were barbecuing.

Disney’s lawyers can barbecue and sue people at the same time. Get smarter, please.

Yeah.

What’d you watch?

The Ant-Man movie with Paul Rudd.

How was it?

If you’ve ever seen a movie before, you know every beat of the film within the first 30 seconds. Possibly the most predictable story I’ve ever seen. You know those 60’s spy spoofs like In Like Flynn and those Matt Helms films with Dean Martin, and how they’re played so straight that you can’t tell they’re comedies 40 years on?

Okay.

Ant-Man is like that. It’s essentially a parody of the superhero plot, but played perfectly straight. There’s the missing wife, and the ragtag team, and the daddy issues, and the villain wearing the evil version of the hero’s suit, and the kid in peril. Plus, there’s the bit where the mentor tells the hero, “Don’t do this thing, or the universe will explode,” and you know that during the final fight, the hero will have to do that thing.

Cross the streams.

Right. Here, it’s “going sub-molecular,” whatever the hell that means.

How was Paul Rudd?

He was Paul Rudd.

Good review.

Well, Siskel and Ebert are gone; someone has to fill the gap.

4 Comments

  1. Pffft the self-awareness of it makes it a top tier Marvel movie easily, your problem is you can’t decide whether or not you’re taking these things seriously…Rudd was great, his sidekicks were great, sub-molecular was great etc. Calling out a Marvel movie for being predictable is absurd. I called how long it’d take Deadpool to wrap up the flashback structure (half the movie) within 5 minutes. Has there been a single geniunely surprising beat in any of these movies? I can’t think of one.

    Ant-Man knows what movie it is: it’s the movie that knows a movie called “Ant-Man” is silly, so it casts Paul Rudd and goes from there. You’re reviewing a movie they didn’t actually make, the one you would have made, I guess.

  2. I recently had to have a discussion with my wife about how the nice men at HBO sent my ISP after me because somebody in the house downloaded a bunch of Game of Thrones episodes.

    When my wife told me that I was a hypocrite for telling her to stop because I torrent music all the time, I pointed out that obscure free-jazz artists from the 1960s and 1970s don’t have lawyers. Neither it seems, do semi-defunct choogly rock bands, seeing as I am enjoying the hell out of the 1978 box set as we speak.

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