The Joining Of The Two

“Hey, asshole. I’m a ballerina. Looka me dance.”

Hey, Phil from ’85. Everybody’s looking for you.

“Let ’em look for my balls, and then let ’em suuuuuuuuuck.”

Please give back all the time machines and the ham.

“I ate the ham.”

Please give back the time machines.

“Top-notch ham.”

This is not about the ham.

“Still had the bone in. Picked it up and ate it like a turkey leg. Took off my shirt because I got sweaty.”

Holy shit, do I want to stop talking about this fucking ham.

“The Jewish thing?”

No, I’m just nauseated .

“Nauseated is a very Jewish thing to be.”

Can we discuss the–

“Actually, that sounds great.”

HUHWHLORF

…

Ew.

“The Heinies needed some breathing room.”

“Jesus, man. You’re a mess.”

“Who’s that?”

“I’m 2016 Phil.”

Oh, no. NO. One iteration at a time!

“Stay out of this, young man.”

“Yeah, stay out of this, similarly-aged man.”

“Dammit, 85 Phil: fat, drunk, and stealing time machines is no way to go through life.”

“Don’t tell me what to do. You’re not my father.”

“No, I’m you.”

“Right. Heinie?”

“No.”

“Doobie?”

“Sure.”

chik

Pwof Pwof Pwof

PHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

…

“That’s good doobie.”

Okay, I officially have no fucking idea what’s happening.

“Well, whose fault is that?”

“Ha, burnt.”

“Jackass, give the time machines back.”

“No.”

“I tried.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH 2016 PHIL WAS NOT ON THE PHONE

“He yoinked the doobie!”

Phil from 1985, I need you to concentrate. What have you done with the devices powerful enough to rend time itself in half like a bootleg tee-shirt?

“No more devices. No more Time Cape. No more Time Sheath.”

Oh, God, what did you do?

“Time Sweatband.”

Dammit. Why?

“You can lose a sheath. Capes get dropped. Sweatband? That fucker stays put.”

True.

“My forearm is the nexus of all realities.”

Yes, but my point is: that’s not optimal. Can’t you at least give that thing to a more sober iteration?

“Fuck those guys. Phil from ’78 owes me $20. Besides, I like it. It’s like my Apple Watch.”

How is a Time Sweatband like an Apple Watch?

“Can’t FaceTime on either.”

Irrelevant.

MEANWHILE

“HAIRY GARCIA, AH REGRET EVER WANTIN’ TO KARATE WITH YOU IN VIOLENCE. AH WISH T’ NOW KARATE WITH YOU IN FRIENDSHIP, AN’ MAYBE DO SOME BIBLE STUDY T’GETHER.”

“Uh, yeah. Okee-doke.”

“THIS HERE ROAD TRIP DONE BROUGHT ME CLOSER T’ YOU THAN AH HAVE BEEN WITH ANY MAN. THESE MILES DONE GLUED US! YER WISE WORDS IN MAH EAR, YOUR POLK SALAD AGAINST MAH BACK. WE ARE NOW BROTHERS.”

“We’ve only gone, like, six miles. You keep stopping so let people admire you.”

“AH COULD NOT DEPRIVE TH’ PEOPLE OF THAT. EV’RY MAN, WOMAN, AND ITTY BITTY THING DESERVES A CHANCE T’ TELL ME HOW WUNNERFUL AH AM.”

“And Wendy’s.”

“AH ALSO WANTED WENDY’S.”

“I’m just saying, you know: we’re never gonna get there at this pace.”

“WE AIN’ GOIN’ THERE, MAN. WE GOIN’ THEN.”

“Ah. Yeah, then I guess we got all the time in the world.”

“CONSISTENTLY ODD HOW AH AM TH’ ONLY ONE ‘ROUND HERE THAT UNNERSTANDS TH’ FULL RAMIFICATIONS O’ HAVIN’ A TIME MACHINE.”

“Sloppy writing masquerading as a running joke.”

“THASS PROB’LY IT. YER SO SMART, HAIRY GARCIA. HOW YOU FIXED ON SCARVES?”

“All set.”

“WAWA?”

“Fine, thanks.”

“LOOKIT ME, MAN. AH’M YER CHARLIE HODGE. THASS TH’ DEPTH OF MAH MANLY FEELINGS F’R YOU, HAIRY GARCIA. WE LIKE ACHILLES AN’ PATROCLES, MAN.”

“I, uh, don’t really wanna have that kind of relationship with you, Elvis.”

“WE OUT THERE PLAYIN’ OUR BEAUTIFUL MUSIC IN TROY, BUT MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES ACT UP! AH CANNOT LEAVE MAH DRESSING ROOM. SO, OUT OF YER LOVE F’R ME, YOU DON MAH JUMPSUIT AN’ ENNERTAIN ALL TH’ NICE PEOPLE.”

“Pass.”

“BUT THEN A GUY KILLS YOU, SPURRIN’ ME INTA ACTION, AN’ SONG. AN’ THEN AH KILL A HORSE WITH KARATE.”

“You’re getting your epics mixed up, and I still pass.”

“IF YOU WANT, YOU C’N HOL’ ON TIGHTER.”

“I’m fine.”

“DON’ BE AFRAID TO, IS WHAT AH’M SAYIN’.”

“Noted.”

“WHATCHOO WANT AT BURGER KING?”

“I’m still working on my chili.”

“YOU GOTTA GO?”

“No.”

“AH GET EIGHT WHOPPERS, HOW MANY YOU GONNA EAT?”

“None.”

“AH WILL EAT EIGHT WHOPPERS.”

“Sure.

“YOU MAH BEST FRIEND, HAIRY GARCIA.”

“You bet.”

“NOW LESS GO DEFEAT COMMUNISM.”

“Hit it.”