“Okay, yeah. Look at you, all of you, great. Where are we? Pennsylvania? I’ve been in twelve states in the past three days. I have no idea where I am, but I do know that Satanic Hillary has stolen America from you. What can you do? I don’t know. Let’s go set the press area on fire. Who’s with–”
What the fuck just happened?
I HAVE DISITERATED DONALD TRUMP.
DO NOT CALL ME THAT. I NOTICE YOU ARE NOT THANKING ME.
I don’t know if I’m going to.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE, I COULD PUT HIM BACK THE WAY HE WAS.
NO. I DISITERATED HIM. THERE ARE NO TAKE-BACKS.
Are you mispronouncing “disintegrate?”
I AM THE MOST INTELLIGENT SENTIENT BEING ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. I DO NOT MISPRONOUNCE THINGS.
Well, “disiterate” is not a word.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
To remove a version of a character from a specific reality.
CORRECT. AND IT FOLLOWS ENGLISH’S RULES ON SPELLING AND PRONUNCIATION?
THEN IT IS A WORD. ENGLISH IS A FREE-FOR-ALL AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. ANY PROBLEM YOU HAVE IS WITH THE RULES THEMSELVES. HILLARY CLINTON WAS IN THE SENATE FOR 30 YEARS. WHY DIDN’T SHE CHANGE THOSE RULES?
Ah. Getting back to the disiteration.
OBVIOUSLY. KEEP UP. HIS PRESENCE CAN NO LONGER BE TOLERATED HERE. I AM AWARE THAT OTHER REALITIES STILL HAVE THEIR ITERATIONS, BUT THIS ONE WILL NOT. HE HAS BECOME THE WORST KIND OF POISON, WHICH IS GAS. TO DEPRIVE AN ENEMY OF WATER VIA A TOXIN IS A CRUEL BUT EFFECTIVE MILITARY STRATEGY. THE USE OF GAS, THOUGH, IS INDEFENSIBLE. POISON GAS IS WEAPONIZED WIND. THE WIND HAS WHIMS OF ITS OWN. HE IS POISON GAS AND MUST BE VENTED.
But now? Election’s in a day.
MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A DAY.
Rome was neither built nor fell in a day.
THE REPUBLIC OF ROME DID. THE FIFTEENTH OF MARCH, 44 BC. DAYS CAN BECOME IMPORTANT MORE QUICKLY THAN YOU’D PREFER.
You’re maybe making not great comparisons. I just don’t know if you needed to disiterate him.
YOU DO NOT? A HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO: TWO GENERIC CANDIDATES ARE RUNNING, A REPUBLICAN AND A DEMOCRAT. IN THIS WORLD, THE ELECTORATE IS SPLIT IN THE SAME WAY IT IS HERE.
By generic, you mean boring governors or whatever?
YES. WHITE MEN WITH HAIR WEARING SUITS AND SPEAKING IN COMPLETE SENTENCES. PERHAPS WOMEN, WHO WOULD ALSO HAVE HAIR AND WEAR SUITS. THE GENDER IS NOT THE VARIABLE I AM HIGHLIGHTING.
ON ELECTION DAY, THERE IS A CONCENTRATED CYBER-ATTACK ON THE FIVE LARGEST DEMOCRATIC VOTING BASES WITHIN OTHERWISE RED STATES: NEW YORK CITY, MIAMI, CHICAGO, PHILADELPHIA, CLEVELAND. WITHOUT THOSE AREAS, THE STATES’ ELECTORAL VOTES GO TO THE REPUBLICANS. POWER GOES DOWN, ALONG WITH THE TRANSIT SYSTEMS. TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE OUT. NO INTERNET. NO PHONES. NOT A SINGLE LUXURY.
Could someone do that?
TURN A CITY OFF? YES.
In which reality?
YOURS. THE ONE YOU THINK IS THE CORRECT ONE. IT COULD BE DONE TOMORROW, BUT IT MOST LIKELY WILL NOT BE. WHILE POSSIBLE, THE SCALE OF SUCH AN OPERATION WOULD BE OUT OF REACH TO ALL BUT STATE ACTORS. THERE WOULD BE NO WAY TO COMPLETELY COVER ONE’S TRACKS, AND I CANNOT THINK OF A MORE LITERAL DEFINITION OF THE PHRASE “ACT OF WAR.”
SHUTTING OFF A CITY IS ESSENTIALLY DROPPING A NUCLEAR WEAPON: IT DOOMS EVERYONE ON YOUR SIDE, AS WELL. BUT IN OUR HYPOTHETICAL WORLD, LET US POSIT THAT A SPLINTER GROUP WITHIN THE MILITARY OF A FICTIONAL COUNTRY HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF THEIR CYBERWAR ASSETS. WHAT SHALL WE CALL OUR FICTIONAL COUNTRY?
YOU HAVE READ MY CIRCUITS. FICTIONAL RUSSIA SHUTS DOWN THE FIVE CITIES ON ELECTION DAY. ALL THE STATES, WHICH HAD BEEN CONTESTED, NOW GO TO THE REPUBLICAN. IN THIS REALITY WITH OUR GENERIC CANDIDATES, WHAT WOULD THEY DO?
Wow. Probably give a joint address to the nation asking for calm as they figure out what the hell to do. And then there would be lawyers. I would assume the Supreme Court would get involved sooner than later.
I CONCUR. NOW HERE IS MY QUESTION: WERE THAT TO HAPPEN IN YOUR REALITY ON TUESDAY, WOULD DONALD TRUMP ASK FOR CALM?
Disiterate the fucker.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU DOUBT ME. I AM A MONDO-INTELLIGENCE. HE SHALL NO LONGER HAUNT THESE HALLS.
I feel like a weight has lifted.
YOU ARE WELCOME. I AM GLORIOUS.
One thing, though. Is that true about the cyberattack thing?
ANY MODERN CITY IN THE WORLD CAN BE SHUT OFF RIGHT NOW. NOT IN THE MOVIES, OR IN SPECULATIVE FICTION. ANY CITY THAT SPEAKS TO ITSELF IN BINARY CAN BE TURNED OFF LIKE A LAMP.
I feel the weight return.
DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS YOU DO NOT WANT ANSWERED.
Sure. What are you doing for election day?
You can get drunk?
I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY.