Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Long And Short Of It

As I’m always saying: Thoughts on the Dead is a team effort.

You’ve never said that in your life. You’re kind of a dick about giving people credit, actually.

No, I just have libertarian beliefs about it. I have libertarian beliefs about a lot of things, actually. Depending on the situation. Like paying taxes. Very, very libertarian about that.

And reaping the societal benefit from said taxes?

A million percent the other way. Very socialistic in that regard. Downright Scandinavian.

And this is not being a common, selfish prick?

No. Go read Reason magazine and you’ll see why.

Did you have a reason for starting this?

I did. Then you interrupted me eleven words in using force, the only way you statists know how.

Get to the point.

Fine, you filthy commie: Senior Counsel for the Ministry of Trousers cgrand brings up an interesting–for a loose definition of the word–fact about our Bobby: while the Izod-and-jean-shorts look of the 80’s will forever be how he’s branded into our heads, he’s been rocking the manpri/Birkenstocks look for much longer.

bobby manpris
The manpri, much like Shakira, was introduced to the American market on several occasions: the pants were never accepted; Shakira was, though begrudgingly. Also like Shakira, the manpri is fairly goofy and not that bright. Finally, when brought to life, the hips of the manpri are incapable of deception. (Bobby’s entire wardrobe is vaguely sentient at this point.)

They’re useless, which has never hurt products in America, but they’re useless in a foreign way: these are pants for people who live surrounded by beaches and the possibility of a coup this week. No one has ever made a business deal in manpris. (Drug deal? Yes, many.) If you ask someone wearing manpris what the score of the game was, they will tell you about soccer.

Manpris are full-length Speedos: they are a goddam un-American trouser.

Is it mild enough for pants? Wear pants. Scorcher out there today? Rock the cut-offs. Is Bobby so mutant-level sensitive to the temperature that there are days he’d sweat in slacks, but shiver in shorts? Does Bobby, lacking sweat glands, radiate waste heat through specially-evolved organs in his shins?

The function–none–being explained, we can turn to the form. It is equally dreadful, as you cannot hem pants there without looking like someone who has lived on a desert island in a New Yorker cartoon for a year.

Look what you can do with just a few inches:*

bobby midlengthNow, they’re just cargo shorts. It’s a bit basic bitch, but at least it’s not going to frighten horses like the ‘pris. At least 30% of the audience is wearing this outfit, anyway.

And then you take things too far, Bobert.

bobby short shorts ratdog
Lot of leg this late in life, friend.


* What she said.


  1. Sir Luther Van Baconson

    April 23, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    either the Manpri or the Short Khakis. the mid-range Cargo Short makes Bob’s legs look puffy and bloated. the one with the Short Khakis? you could eat those legs.

  2. those pants are the above-ground-pool of inappropriate trousers

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