Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Neverending Story Ever Told

Amir

Hey, Amir Bar-Lev, director of–

“Hi, there! How are you? Hi. I’m fine. Hi. Hi! Hi.”

–the upcoming…hey, buddy.

“Got my second wind!”

Why do you need a second wind?

“Been up for four days editing.”

You’ve been editing the film for four days straight?

“Not the film. A scene.”

You’ve been editing one scene for four days?

“It’s an important one.”

What is it?

“Closing credits.”

They just scroll upwards, man.

“BUT HOW FAST?”

You need a nap, Bar-bar?

“I couldn’t sleep now even if I wanted to. I can see through my eyelids. And also the back of my skull. I have achieved omnivision. Perhaps jumbovision.”

How long is the movie–

“FILM!”

–now?

“It’s not short.”

Right. How long is it?

“Are we including the comic book tie-ins?”

No.

“There are comic book tie-ins now.”

I inferred that. How long?

“A little over four months.”

How much over?

“Two months over.”

So, six months long?

“If you want to be pedantic about it.”

Solid six months, or installments stretched out over six months?

“The first thing. 4,382.91 hours.”

Wow.

“There’s an three-week intermission.”

I think you’re overshooting the moon on this one, pal.

“Children will be conceived, gestated, born, weaned, whelped, educated, broken, and buried during my film.”

That’s longer than six months.

“What about rats?”

Oh, you could get ten or twenty generations of rats in that time.

“And then I shall lead the rats.”

Amir, please go to sleep.

“How can I sleep now that I am so woke?”

Are you taking pills?

“Not pills.”

Aaaaand I’m not going to ask any follow-up questions.

“My only fear is the economic turmoil my film will cause.”

How so.

“There will be no point in making another movie after mine. All the woods would shut down: Hollywood, Bollywood, Polleywood.”

Polleywood?

“That’s the Canadian film industry. Sarah Polley is a god up there.”

I enjoy her work.

“She rules with an iron hockey glove.”

Amir Bar-Lev, you’re making very little sense.

“Stop saying my full name over and over to make this page show up higher on Google.”

Okay, you’re making some sense.

“My movie will not be mocked! Believe in my vision!”

What is your vision?

“Well, I’m a director, so my vision generally includes my hands in front of my face doing that “L” thing.”

The frame.

“The frame.”

That’s a great move.

“Like, half the reason to be a director is that move. You stand on a location and you do The Frame, then you maybe mutter some director bullshit and make big sweeping motions with your arms.”

That’s awesome.

“It’s cool. Old days were better.”

Dunno about that. We have a pretty firm “the past was terrible policy” around here.

“You got to wear jodhpurs and yell at actors through a megaphone.”

Yeah, okay. Score one for the old days.

“You’re not supposed to yell at people any more.”

That’s a better system.

“I yelled at a guy outside the window this morning for two hours. He was a tree, it turns out.”

You need to sleep.

“I need to work.”

You need to sleep!

“I need to work!”

Duck season!

“Rabbit season!”

KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!

I got him to do it.

“I don’t understand who’s speaking.”

Don’t worry about it.

“Is he friend or foe?”

Just go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Duck season.

Rabbit seaMOTHERFUCKER!

SHPLOIK

whuff whuff whuff whuff

whuffwhuff whKAHBLAMMO

Did you just stick the needle of a bicycle pump into your belly and inflate yourself until you exploded?

I did.

“Could someone explain to me what’s happening?”

No.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Stop it.

13 Comments

  1. Simply mentioning Sarah Polley’s name (PBUH) qualifies you for a grant from The Canada Council for the Arts.

  2. drop the s from https ?

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