Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Next Three Days, Predicted

  • Terrorist attack that kills many people.
  • Mentally unstable man who was known to the police snaps due to economic anxiety, also killing many people.
  • Monday morning, it’s going to rain frogs in Newark, Delaware.
  • Monday afternoon, it’s Newark, New Jersey’s turn.
  • On live teevee, John Podesta will rip open his shirt to reveal a giant pentagram tattoo on his chest.
  • In 1973, a coalition of Arab militaries attacked Israel on Yom Kippur, assuming the fasting Jews would be distracted; using the same logic, China is going to Red Dawn us, probably tomorrow.
  • Honestly, if there was ever a perfect moment to Red Dawn us, this is it.
  • Irregular tides.
  • Clouds shaped like impossible objects.
  • Multiphasic Harambification.
  • Cheeses taste slightly off.
  • Two or three false flag events.
  • Three or four false banner events. (A false banner is like a false flag, but you hang it on a wall instead of a pole (falsely).)
  • Crazy rich guy gives a massive EMP bomb to a country that in no way can handle the responsibility–Equatorial Guinea, maybe–and of course someone pushes the big red button instantly.
  • Supreme Court vanishes, the building; everybody shows up for work Monday morning, but work’s not there any more.
  • Elon Musk and Peter Theil climb into the giant mechs they’ve been secretly building and disrupt each other in the middle of San Francisco, killing thousands.
  • Obama snaps on live teevee: “THIS guy? THIS fucking guy?” for twenty minutes or so.
  • The grown-ups and serious people come back from wherever they’ve been, and snatch the democracy from our hands, giving us a long lecture about how fragile it is, and then making us wash the car.
  • Blimp filled with hydrogen fluoride deliberately crashed into polling place.
  • Malls across the country fill with raccoons; they sit quietly and patiently and wait for something that should not come, but approaches at speed.
  • Leaked videotape of Trump saying n****r, c**t, k**e, f****t, s****b, z***a, and p*******q; his polls rise sharply.
  • Unverified e-mail sent from Hillary’s office hacked by the Russians posted on Twitter by a White Nationalist account; indictments are recommended, if not summary execution.
  • Hawaii says “fuck it” and starts paddling towards Japan.


  1. Zappa?

    Also I would be unable to change the chanel on the President swearing about a possible successor for a twenty minutes or so.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.