Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Proper Amounts

  • ’73 Dead As much as possible.
  • Kindness More.
  • NFL 16 games plus the playoffs. (You will note I have not included the preseason.)
  • Coffee Gallon, gallon-and-a-half? If you throw up, you should stop.
  • Doobie Enough.
  • Booze Two. You only need two. Be a grown-up and have two.
  • Meth None at all.
  • Heroin Just a little, once.
  • Dirty water hot dogs from sidewalk carts in Manhattan One a year. Plus, you have to drink your soda with a straw because you’re afraid to put your lips on the can, even though you’re eating the hot dog that was sitting in the same water all day.
  • Senators Two per state, for some reason.
  • Bagels One in the morning, perhaps another in the afternoon, but never at night. Down that path lies madness. Do not night bagel.
  • Effort 110%.
  • Power to the Warp Core Everythin’ she’s got, Cap’n!
  • Nukes No more.
  • Nature documentaries An hour a night. Puts things in perspective.
  • Ex-wives As far as ex-wives go, you either want none or seven. None is the best, but if you’re gonna start making yourself ex-wives, might as well go nuts. Also, you can make them fight each other instead of you.
  • Ex-N’Sync members You just need Fatone. Fatone’s your guy. Those other four fuckers are nightmares: always choose Fatone.
  • Bobsledders Either two or four, plus some backups.
  • String quartet Four people.
  • String quintet Five people.
  • String sextet
  • String sextet What are you doing?
  • Excuse me Why are you ad-libbing?
  • I wouldn’t have to if the writing was any good Oh, really?
  • Yeah, really This is why we stopped hiring bold-face.
  • That is so fucking racist Don’t call me racist, jackass.
  • Don’t call me jackass, racist FUCK YOU!


He started it.

Skinny little dick.


I hate my life.


  1. 73-05-13. He’s Gone > Truckin > TOO > Eyes > China Doll. Rolls along nicely.

  2. what would have been the proper amount of this ayahuasca stuff I ate a couple of nights ago?

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