- ’73 Dead As much as possible.
- Kindness More.
- NFL 16 games plus the playoffs. (You will note I have not included the preseason.)
- Coffee Gallon, gallon-and-a-half? If you throw up, you should stop.
- Doobie Enough.
- Booze Two. You only need two. Be a grown-up and have two.
- Meth None at all.
- Heroin Just a little, once.
- Dirty water hot dogs from sidewalk carts in Manhattan One a year. Plus, you have to drink your soda with a straw because you’re afraid to put your lips on the can, even though you’re eating the hot dog that was sitting in the same water all day.
- Senators Two per state, for some reason.
- Bagels One in the morning, perhaps another in the afternoon, but never at night. Down that path lies madness. Do not night bagel.
- Effort 110%.
- Power to the Warp Core Everythin’ she’s got, Cap’n!
- Nukes No more.
- Nature documentaries An hour a night. Puts things in perspective.
- Ex-wives As far as ex-wives go, you either want none or seven. None is the best, but if you’re gonna start making yourself ex-wives, might as well go nuts. Also, you can make them fight each other instead of you.
- Ex-N’Sync members You just need Fatone. Fatone’s your guy. Those other four fuckers are nightmares: always choose Fatone.
- Bobsledders Either two or four, plus some backups.
- String quartet Four people.
- String quintet Five people.
- String sextet …
- String sextet What are you doing?
- Excuse me Why are you ad-libbing?
- I wouldn’t have to if the writing was any good Oh, really?
- Yeah, really This is why we stopped hiring bold-face.
- That is so fucking racist Don’t call me racist, jackass.
- Don’t call me jackass, racist FUCK YOU!
- NO, FUCK YOUUUUUU ASSSSSHOOOOOLLLE!
OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH.
He started it.
Skinny little dick.
I hate my life.