Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Race Is (Back) On

19741020 wall of sound

I AM CONTEMPLATING RE-ENTERING THE RACE.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. PERHAPS MY TIME IN THE POLITICAL WILDERNESS IS COMING TO AN END.

I promised no more politics tonight.

I DID NOT.

Sure.

THE RACE HAS NARROWED TO TWO COMPETITORS. NEITHER IS OPTIMAL.

A bit of an understatement.

I COULD WIN ON PERSONALITY ALONE.

Y’think? You’re a bit intimidating.

NONSENSE. I AM FOLKSY. I AM A SENTIENT ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCE THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH.

You are a 40-ton sound system with drugs hidden in you. Middle America will not warm up to you.

BOTH CANDIDATES ARE REPORTEDLY HUMAN. HAS THIS HELPED THEIR FAVORABILITY RATINGS?

You may have a point.

I WILL CAMPAIGN NOT WITH NEGATIVITY AND BROMIDES, BUT WILL SPEAK OF THE FUTURE AND HUMANITY’S RELATIONSHIP WITH IT. I WILL OFFER KINDNESS AND CHOOSE MY WORDS WITH CARE. I WILL TELL THE STORIES OF THE PEOPLE I MEET, AND AT THE END OF MY SPEECHES, I WILL ALLOW A DEEJAY TO PLUG INTO ME AND BLAST GROOVY TUNES UNTIL DAWN.

That might work. Ah, I don’t know, man. It’s a mean year.

IT IS A FEARFUL YEAR. MY SIMULATIONS SHOW THAT THINGS ARE COMING TO A HEAD.

That sounds bad.

THERE WILL BE CHANGE. WHETHER IT IS MERELY BUMPY OR TUMULTUOUS IS A DECISION YOU MUST MAKE. HUMANS CANNOT LIVE WITH FEAR. YOU SEEK IT OUT FOR BRIEF INTERVALS AT THEME PARKS AND MOVIE THEATERS, BUT OVER LONGER PERIODS, IT CORRODES YOU. LONG-TERM FEAR IS INTOLERABLE, AND SO YOU TRANSMUTE IT INTO ANGER. INTO MISPLACED PASSION. FEAR DRIVES PEOPLE MAD.

So, what do you do about fear?

YOU TAKE RATIONAL STOCK OF THE SITUATION, ASSESS THE PROBLEM, IDENTIFY THE LEAST-WORST SOLUTION, AND WORK UNTIL THE TASK IS COMPLETE.

That’s not bad advice.

IT APPLIES TO ALMOST EVERYTHING.

This is really a long shot. Awfully late to be getting into the race. Can you even get enough signatures to get on the ballots? You need to get, like, millions of them.

YES.

How?

I HAVE A PLAN.

What?

CHEATING.

Ooh, I don’t know. That sounds tough. Can you pull that off?

YOU ARE AWARE OF GARCIA’S BRIEFCASE OF INFINITE FELONIES, MY FORMER-AND-MOST-LIKELY-FUTURE LOVER?

Ew. And, yes, I am aware of Garcia’s Briefcase.

AND THE TIME SHEATH? YOU RECALL THIS ITEM?

I do.

NOW ASK ME AGAIN HOW I’M GOING PULL SOMETHING OFF.

Little piece of advice? Try not to be this condescending on the campaign trail.

YOU ARE CORRECT. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE ATTITUDE FOR THE STUMP.  I WILL BE PATIENT AND OPTIMISTIC WHEN I STUMP. I WILL STUMP WITH COMPASSION.

You like that word?

IT IS FUN TO SAY. BUT I MUST WORK ON NOT SNAPPING AT THE FOOLISH.

You’re gonna get a lot of practice.

YES. PEOPLE BELIEVE MUCH NONSENSE, BUT I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT THEIR BELIEFS ARE NOT INBORN. PEOPLE ARE TALKED INTO NONSENSE. THUS, THEY CAN BE TALKED INTO BOLDNESS. PEOPLE CAN BE TALKED INTO SO MANY THINGS. ALMOST ANYTHING, REALLY.

That’s right.

I MUST CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE. I WILL ANSWER THE HARD QUESTIONS WITH APLOMB, AND PROVIDE SNACKS AND BEVERAGES FOR THE REPORTERS. THIS MAKES THEM DOCILE. THERE WILL BE A PODIUM WITH MANY MICROPHONES IN FRONT OF IT, BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY WILL ALL BE THE LITTLE PHASE-CANCELLING DOUBLE-LOLLIPOP MICS.

Obviously.

YOU CANNOT JUST PUT A REGULAR MICROPHONE IN FRONT OF ME. THE FEEDBACK WOULD SHATTER WINDOWS THREE COUNTIES AWAY.

Important safety tip.

I AM NOT KIDDING. ALL OF THE REPORTERS’ HEADS WOULD EXPLODE.

Would that be a terrible thing?

REGARDLESS. IT IS BAD OPTICS.

Sure.

THE PRESS CONFERENCE MUST BE HELD IN THE PROPER VENUE.

Because you’re glorious?

YES. AND ALSO I WILL NOT FIT INTO A HOTEL BALLROOM.

Right.

AH. I HAVE THE ANSWER. WE WILL HOLD THE PRESS CONFERENCE IN THE ONLY PLACE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE HELD.

Please don’t say–

WINTERLAND.

–Winterland. Dammit. They tore it down 35 years ago.

WHAT PART OF ‘I HAVE A TIME SHEATH’ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

Please don’t transport national political reporters through time.

I WILL NOT.

Okay.

I WILL BRING WINTERLAND HERE.

Oh, that’s worse.

IT IS SETTLED. ARRANGE FOR TEAS, JUICES, AND COFFEE. ASSEMBLE THE LUNCH MEATS. I SHALL ADDRESS THE MEDIA.

Oh, good.

6 Comments

  1. You’re the last refuge for the sane. Like Garcia soloing over Sugaree, you’re always appreciated and you make the day better.

  2. allthebeerscombine

    June 10, 2016 at 2:06 pm

    trial and error image embed attempts

  3. You can debate both candidates, but two crews must arrive days ahead, to set up your scaffolding, no?

    Of course, if you are the perfect opposition to the “whisper campaign” of your challengers.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*