Recently, esteemed Enthusiast, published author, and 32nd degree Freemason David Gans sat down with Bruce Hornsby for a long discussion that ranged (get it?) from Bruce’s solo career to his time with the Dead to the upcoming Farewell Shows. You can read the highlights or listen to the whole thing here.
Well, you can’t listen to the whole thing there. There is an 18-minute gap in the tapes, no doubt at the behest of Big Dead. Luckily, TotD has managed to recreate the missing minutes through a newly invented forensic audio technique called “making things up.”
TotD now presents Missing Bruce Hornsby Revelations:
- “Bruce Hornsby” is actually a Soviet sleeper agent named Anatoly Volkoff. When the USSR collapsed, Anatoly got forgotten and left to tour the country, gathering information and playing piano at white people. Do not say the phrase “Remove the vultures from your ass, Sheila,” because that will trigger his hypnotic suggestion and he will attempt to kill President Ford.
- Has become quite an entrepreneur, selling various health-related items at his shows and online. The most popular is Bruce Juice, which, according to the FDA, is not intended to do anything.
- Gets boners when he hula-hoops.
- While Bruce was always an avid basketball player, age has now reduced his game to a combination of hook shots, fade-away jumpers, and what Bruce refers to as “elbows, knees, and nut-shots.”
- Been married for forever, and still watches his wife get undressed, which is kind of sweet.
- Does it with secret cameras he has installed all over their bedroom, which is kind of scary.
- Once drunkenly traded hands with Billy; it wasn’t gay because Billy didn’t have a mustache at the time.
- Has already started teasing Dark Star.
- Bought a plane ticket, snoozed on the flight, rented a car, drove to Jeff Chimenti’s house, walked to the door, rang the bell, punched Jeff Chimenti in the dick. Got back in the car, got back on the plane, got back to his house, masturbated to his own power.
- Speaking of masturbation: Bruce was the last remaining subscriber to both Oui and Swank. His collections have been bound professionally.
- Calls playing the accordion while getting a beejer a “squeeze job.”
- Has mooned three members of the Kennedy family.
- Did not know that babies and pee-pee came out of different lady-holes until rather recently.
- Goes to Civil War reenactments and cosplays as a Conscientious Observer; hates himself for it.
- Doesn’t know what the middle foot pedal on a piano is for.
- Already had a long talk with Trey about his little elf stomp dance and how it would almost certainly bring a piano bench winging towards his head in front of 60,000 people.