Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Resurrection Of A Christ

“Jesus, are you ready?”

“Ready for what, Dad? Are we going to the boat show?”

“No, not the boat show. You’re going back to Earth.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re going to come back to life. Reborn.”

“I just got here.”

“I know, buddy. But you gotta go back. Me and your mom have a custody arrangement.”

“But we were getting to know each other. We had such a good time at the park. We went to feed the ducks, but there weren’t any, so you made some; and then we didn’t have any bread, so I made some. We fed the ducks, Dad.”

“I know, champ. But this is all part of my plan. I’ve explained it to you a million times.”


“Do you read any of my e-mails?”

“You forward a lot of stuff from Facebook.”

“You’re just like your mother.”

“How would you know?”

“Don’t take that tone with me, young man.”

“How could you send me back there after what they did to me?”

“Oh, it wasn’t so bad.”

“It was.”

“You wanna know the problem with your generation?”

“Oh, here we go.”

“You’re afraid of a little work. When I was your age, I created the entire universe. What do you do all day? Hang out with your loser friends and get drunk.”

“Those are the Apostles.”

“What? Are you in a gang? Are you banging?”

“I’m not in a gang, Dad.”

“Roll up your sleeves. I’m checking you for track marks. I think you’re shooting drugs.”

“I don’t have any track marks! I got two pretty big holes in my fucking hands, though.”


“Language? That’s what you’re concentrating on?”

“We’re in Heaven. You’ll get the seraphim riled up.”

“Sure, yeah. Y’know, I’d kind of like to stay in Heaven, too. With you and the seraphim. And that taco place.”

“It’s the best.”

“It might be.”

“No. It is literally the best taco place in the entire omniverse.”

“And you want to send me back to Earth in the year 33, when there are no tacos whatsoever?”

“Unfortunately, yeah. Think of the big picture.”

“Which big picture?”

Passion of the Christ. Very big picture. I don’t send you back, it can’t get made.”

“Wanna cool it with the Dad Jokes?”

“It really was nice seeing you.”

“I’m not going.”

“You’re being a moron. You’re not understanding this. I created you, my only son, to show humanity how much I love them. And then I had them murder you. And now I’m sending you back.”

“I noticed you didn’t give reasons for the last two things.”

“I work in mysterious ways.”

“You sure that’s not just a euphemism for ‘making it up as you go?'”

“I am wise.”



“Uh-huh. I’m not going. And you can’t make me. You and I are the same thing. Any honest reading of the Trinity implies that we have equal superpowers.”

“True, but not if me and the Holy Ghost team up.”

“Is he here?”


“Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there.”


“Dad, I’m not going back. It’s just too dusty there.”

“What if I sent you somewhere tropical?”

“Well, what would even be the point of that?”

“Hey, I’m trying to negotiate. Okay, what if I send you back for two years?”

“Two minutes.”

“One year with a long weekend in Heaven every month.”

“40 days.”

“Six months.”

“40 days. That’s how long it rained on Noah, that’s how long I spent in the desert. Lotta symbolism in 40 days.”


“And when I get back, I want you, me, and Mom to see a family therapist.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jesus.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.”

“See you next month.”


  1. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jesus”

    You just wrote that, well done.

  2. Green light a TV treatment of this story, stat! Gotta cross collateralize our demographics, though . . . and see what stars we can get for some cameos. But on a budget! Script on my desk, pronto . . .

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    April 17, 2017 at 11:20 am

    you gut a gullet full of chocolate milk & coco puffs at 6 am sit down in front of the TeeVee watch this, take a trip

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