Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Return Of The King

Well, Enthusiasts, you by now surely know the big news of the day.

THAT GOBLIN-DICKED GLASS OF CURDLED MILK IS GONNA KILL US ALL!

The other news.

Oh, the thing about the 40-year-old concerts that everyone already owns?

Yes.

Sure. Talk about that instead; pretend everything’s all right.

We’re all just choogling past the graveyard at this point, pal.

I’m your pal?

Yeah. You’re my friend. We gotta stick together nowadays.

All of us?

Yup.

Even Elvis?

Jesus Christ, don’t mention that lunat–

“AH HAVE BEEN SUMMONED ONCE AGAIN.”

No you weren’t. And “once again” doesn’t really work. You’re always here lately.

“TH’ PEOPLE NEED THEIR KING.”

Yeah, okay.

“IN YER HEART, YOU KNOW AH’M AWESOME. WHASS GOIN’ ON WITH THAT THERE HAIRY GARCIA?”

A box set.

“THAT BOX GOT FRIED CHICKEN IN IT?”

No.

“PASS.”

It’s music, Elvis. After years of legal wrangling, the Grateful Dead’s most famous concert is finally being officially released.

“CORNELL?”

Yeah, Corn…what? Why would you know that?

“AH WAS THERE.”

No, you were not.

“YEAH, MAN. HAD ME A COUPLE DAYS OFF FROM MAH TOUR, WHICH WAS A WELL-OILED MACHINE.”

You were literally dying in public.

“WELL-OILED MACHINE! MAH SKILLS IN KARATE HAD NEVER BEEN SHARPER. AH DECIDED TO HAVE MAH FINAL SHOWDOWN WITH MAH ARCH-NEMESIS, HAIRY GARCIA, AND SO AH MARSHALED THE MEMPHIS MAFIA AN’ WE WENT T’ UTICA.”

Ithaca.

“YOU DIDN’ LEMME FINISH, BOY! WE WENT T’ UTICA. THEN WE REALIZED WE WAS IN TH’ WRONG CITY.”

Okay.

“FOR THIS ERROR, AH CHASTISED CHARLIE HODGE ABOUT HIS FACE AN’ HEAD.”

He deserved it.

“WE REACHED ITHACA’S ROCKY SHORES TOO LATE T’ SEE TH’ OPENIN’ ACT. AH ASSUME TH’ GRATEFUL DEAD HAS COLORED GIRLS SINGIN’ GOSPEL ‘FORE THEY GO ON, RIGHT?”

No. And we don’t call them…ah, forget it. What’s the point?

“AH WAS APPALLED AT THE SHODDY PRESENTATION. AH FIGGERED THEIR CAPE TRUCK GOT STUCK SOMEWHERE, BUT THASS WHY YOU HAVE A BACK-UP CAPE VAN TAKIN’ A DIFF’RENT ROUTE.”

The Dead also did not wear capes.

“SLAPDASH, MAN. WEARIN’ TEE-SHIRTS AN’ DUNGAREES, SMOKIN’ CIGARETTES, SOME SORT O’ HUMAN/GOAT HYBRID PLAYIN’ PIANO. IT WAS UNWHOLESOME.”

You’re not wrong.

“MAH FLABBER WAS GASTED, MAN.”

You didn’t enjoy the show?

“THASS NOT THE POINT OF TH’ TRIP. AH WAS THERE T’ DEFEND TH’ HONOR OF MAH DOJO, AN’ KICK A HIPPIE IN HIS FURRY HEAD.”

Okay.

“BUT AH WAS PARCHED, AND CHARLIE HODGE HAD SECRETLY SOLD ALL MAH SCARVES AN’ WATER OUT IN TH’ PARKING LOT. MAH THIRST WAS INTOLERABLE!”

This is such an easily curable problem, King. Water fountain, snack stand: there were so many places to get a drink.

“MAH BEVERAGES ARE PRESENTED T’ ME, DAMMIT!”

Sure.

“AN’ FROM OUT O’ THE CROWD OF FILTHY YOUNG CRETINS CAME A TALL MAN, OLDER THAN THE CHIL’REN. AH THINK HE MIGHTA WORKED F’R THE BAND. ‘KING,’ HE SAID. ‘HERE.’ AN’ HE HANDED ME AN ICY-COLD PEPSI-COLA.”

Uh-huh.

“HE CALLED IT ‘BOOGIE JUICE.'”

I think we all know what’s going on here.

“AH DO NOT REMEMBER MUCH OF THE REST O’ THE EVENING.”

Yeah, we all know what happened.

“AH BELIEVE THAT TH’ BOOGIE JUICE INTERFERED WITH MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES.”

Could be.

“BY TH’ TIME AH REMEMBERED AH WANTED T’ KARATE WITH HAIRY GARCIA, IT WAS THREE IN THE’ MORNIN’, AN’ AH WAS NAKED IN A FOUNTAIN.”

What were you doing in the fountain?

“BACKSTROKE.”

And there’s the big finish.

2 Comments

  1. Too bad he didn’t recognize miss Donna Jean.

  2. Please – continue to summon The King!

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