• Syria gassed another couple dozen civilians. I’ve spent enough time on Syria. Go away.
  • Giant monsters are attacking Tokyo. Can’t we talk about something else? Get back to me when you’re a grown up.
  • The freefall in the market has led to nation-wide cannibalism in Venezuela. Who gives a shit? Honestly, who gives a shit?
  • Zimbabwe’s missing. Maybe it’ll turn up, maybe it won’t. Can I go eat my lunch, please?
  • The cowardly attacks by evil terrorists against innocent Russian women and children is a stain which will not wash out. All of humanity stands in harmony and accordance with the brave and free Russian people today. On behalf of the president and the entire White House staff, I extend my deepest condolences to the families that have lost loved ones, and would like to pledge that I will personally pay for all of the survivors’ medical bills. These monstrous acts cannot stand, and I think an excellent form of retribution would be annexing Kyrgyzstan. Tough times will come to all nations, and when they come to Russia we will stand besides her just as we always have throughout our Special Relationship.