Whither the Rock Doc? Hither? Thither? What about yon?
Don’t be weird this early.
The Rock Doc! 45 minutes of content padded out with an hour of interviews, long sweeping pans over photographs everyone’s seen before, and (depending on the budget) some kickin’ tunes, man. From acts that never made it to semi-defunct choogly-type bands, from venerated clubs to iconic studios, there’s enough Rock Docs to fill an entire app in your Apple TV menu. (I think it’s called Qello or something.)
And, of course, 90 percent of them are unwatchable shit. (That number comes from something called Sturgeon’s Law, which postulates that 90% of everything is shit, and was first set forth by Scottish politician Nicola Sturgeon.) Unless, of course, you turn the whole scenario into a drinking game.
Print this out for next time you give up and hit PLAY at random on something, anything, with a Stratocaster on the icon.
TAKE A SIP
- A man in his 50’s is dressed like a man in his 20’s.
- Slow pan across a mixing board.
- “Artistic” shot of a jumble of cables.
- Bad plastic surgery.
- Sunglasses indoors.
- Story about a person ends with a sad picture of said person and a chyron reading “1956-1992”.
- Footage from another, better Rock Doc.
- Johnny Depp appearance.
- Obvious hairpiece.
- It’s clear from the first five minutes who the pain-in-the-ass in the band was.
- Skull ring.
- Dismissive Brit with posh accent.
TAKE A SWIG
- Rick Rubin, barefoot.
- “And that’s when I got sober.”
- Two lanky white men sit on a couch with their legs crossed in opposing directions and leaning away from one another.
- Black-and-white Super 8 footage of a tense recording session.
- Someone goes back to first rehearsal space/apartment/etc., and says “This is where it all started,” and then chuckles.
TAKE A GULP
- Don Was, barefoot.
- Woman is allowed to speak.
- Cigarette smoking. (Modern Rock Doc only. All vintage Rock Docs feature wall-to-wall nicotine consumption.)
- Story you’ve heard so many times you know it by heart.
DRINK THE REST OF YOUR GLASS
- Story you’ve heard so many times you know it by heart is told incorrectly because the teller’s new wife is sitting next to him.
- John Fogerty isn’t a dick.