Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Rock Doc Drinking Game

Whither the Rock Doc? Hither? Thither? What about yon?

Don’t be weird this early.

The Rock Doc! 45 minutes of content padded out with an hour of interviews, long sweeping pans over photographs everyone’s seen before, and (depending on the budget) some kickin’ tunes, man. From acts that never made it to semi-defunct choogly-type bands, from venerated clubs to iconic studios, there’s enough Rock Docs to fill an entire app in your Apple TV menu. (I think it’s called Qello or something.)

And, of course, 90 percent of them are unwatchable shit. (That number comes from something called Sturgeon’s Law, which postulates that 90% of everything is shit, and was first set forth by Scottish politician Nicola Sturgeon.) Unless, of course, you turn the whole scenario into a drinking game.

Print this out for next time you give up and hit PLAY at random on something, anything, with a Stratocaster on the icon.

TAKE A SIP

  • A man in his 50’s is dressed like a man in his 20’s.
  • Slow pan across a mixing board.
  • “Artistic” shot of a jumble of cables.
  • Bad plastic surgery.
  • Sunglasses indoors.
  • Story about a person ends with a sad picture of said person and a chyron reading “1956-1992”.
  • Footage from another, better Rock Doc.
  • Johnny Depp appearance.
  • Obvious hairpiece.
  • It’s clear from the first five minutes who the pain-in-the-ass in the band was.
  • Skull ring.
  • Dismissive Brit with posh accent.

TAKE A SWIG

  • Rick Rubin, barefoot.
  • “And that’s when I got sober.”
  • Two lanky white men sit on a couch with their legs crossed in opposing directions and leaning away from one another.
  • Black-and-white Super 8 footage of a tense recording session.
  • Someone goes back to first rehearsal space/apartment/etc., and says “This is where it all started,” and then chuckles.

TAKE A GULP

  • Don Was, barefoot.
  • Woman is allowed to speak.
  • Cigarette smoking. (Modern Rock Doc only. All vintage Rock Docs feature wall-to-wall nicotine consumption.)
  • Story you’ve heard so many times you know it by heart.

DRINK THE REST OF YOUR GLASS

  • Story you’ve heard so many times you know it by heart is told incorrectly because the teller’s new wife is sitting next to him.
  • John Fogerty isn’t a dick.

8 Comments

  1. you missed: badly dyed hair

  2. Can we talk about Mock-Rock-Docs?

    Cause I think

    “The Rutles: All you need is Cash”
    defines the genre,

    **”This is Spinal Tap” **
    has it’s moments.

    “Mighty Wind”
    sucks

    “Electric Apricot: Quest for Festeroo,”
    Not good, not good at all

    “Rock and Roll High School”
    What is that? Is it a mockumentary? It is great whatever it is.

    Your thoughts?

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      January 16, 2018 at 9:40 pm

      Rock and Roll High School a documentary? Send me some of whatever you’re smoking. If PJ Soles is in her underwear in it, it’s not a documentary.

      • Halloween wasn’t a documentary?

      • Rock and Roll high school is the greatest, gabba gabba hey hey we accept you one of us!

        the director allan arkush features in blair jacksons oral history dead book which i got for xmas. he said something about that he was working on heartbeats his movie after rock and roll high school when he was tapped to film the radio city shows in 1980.

  3. Fogerty’s a dick . . . and a gigantic dooshbag.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    January 17, 2018 at 11:02 am

    chug

  5. Dave grohl? Elvis Costello?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*