Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Saddest Unicorn In The Entire World


Why are you in black and white?

“Oh, come on. Right back to me? Can’t you bother somebody else for a post or two?”

I did, but Bobby knew what I was doing and got mad.

“He’s sharper than he lets on.”

Oh, yeah. Now: why are you a boohoonicorn?

“Don’t call me that. I just want to take drugs and watch a band. I don’t wanna talk to dictators or Elvis or Elvis’ six-toed, three-nippled, nine-toothed, shoplifting hill freak daddy–”


“–and I don’t wanna have to flee the mainland, or have my house blown up, or run from dinosaurs bring ridden by OJ Simpson. I just wanna take drugs and watch a band.”

Then why do you have that look on your face?

“Because I was lying: I’m going to replace Trey.”

Oh, no.

“If Trey must die so Phosh can live, then so be it.”

Please don’t murder Trey.

“I won’t.”

Or have him murdered.

“No promises.”

Dammit, Johnicorn.

“Don’t call me that, either. Listen: I do not desire his death. It is not the goal; I would much rather All About Eve him.”

Never actually seen the film

“Me, neither. Showgirls?”

I have seen Showgirls several times. John Mayer, please don’t push Trey Anastasio down the stairs like in the movie Showgirls.

“Did you write that sentence solely for the joy in knowing that no one else in the history of the English language had?


“Respect. Again though: the prize is being in the band. Replacing Trey is a tactic, and I’m going to choose the most optimal one. Best case scenario doesn’t involve a ginger corpse.”

I see.

“Can’t do that again.”


“Nothing. I heard the Dead on Pandora, and then I joined the Dead. This year, I had a free trial to Tidal and I heard Phish, so now I have to join Phish.”

It sounds so simple when you explain it that way.

“Thank you! I’m pretty sure I’ll be joining all the jam bands eventually.”

String Cheese Incident?

“I mean, within reason.”

Disco Biscuits?

“Mm. No.”

Widespread Panic?

“I thought they broke up?”

No idea.

“Maybe I’ll just stick with the Dead and Phish.”

Good idea.


“Darling! Face your doom, and also a thorough rogering!”

“Oh, who the hell is this?”

No idea.


“We are the Freddies Mercury!”

“Oh, come on.”

Stop it, John. This is good stuff.

“I just wanted to take drugs and see a band.”


  1. I would say he’s seceded.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    November 2, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    Bruce’d maybe?

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