Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Science Of The Deal

U2 @ The Forum - 05/30/2015

“John, are you kidding me with this interview? Jesus, you’ll talk to any schmuck who sticks a phone in your face.”

“What? I was very articulate and didn’t mention my penis.

“I saw. Very proud of you.”

“I don’t talk about my penis, like, at all in interviews any more.”

“I know, such a good boychik.”

“But I could tell you all about it, if you’d like to hear.”



“John, you shouldn’t–

“Jennifer Lawrence.”

“–have said…really?”

“She likes ’em tall and douchey.

“That’s an Oscar winner.”

“I know! I’m almost done with my Sexual EGOT.”

“Having sex with women who have won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony?”

“A Sexual EGOT is…yeah. How’d you do that so fast”

“Again: I am in charge of the music business, and I did not attain the position through nepotism or looks.”


“Listen, schmendrick: when you say that you want to be in Dead & Company forever, that screws me in the negotiation. Now they know you’re not going to walk, and that reduces my options, which therefore reduces your check.”

“Oh. But I really do want to stay in this band. I love soloing over this music, and the hippies are very nice to me and my penis.”

“Regardless. The alta kockers need you, but you gave away your power. Now you need them. I was two phone calls away from having you own the publishing rights to all the albums.”

“The studio albums?”



“Your loss.”

“What about the other thing? Any headway?”

“It’s coming along.”



“Irving, is your ring tone me soloing?”

“It is.”

“That is SO sweet of you.”

“I’m not just a manager, John. I’m a fan. Hold on, I gotta take this. I’m gonna walk over there.”

“You’re on with Azoff.”

“Baby Jew! How your wife and my kids?”

“Hey! Stupid Buddha, you lowlife. Your generals kill you in your sleep yet?”

“Banter is best.”

“Banter, right. What?”

“Josh Meyer change number again.”

“Yeah? Okay. I’m sending you the new one, and he’s got a new private e-mail. Sending that, too.”

“You are true friend to Josh Meyer, Baby Jew. You know he belong with Kim Jong-Un.”

“Sure, yeah.”

“True friend. Act out of goodness of heart.”

“That’s me.”

“Cut shit, Azoff. Why you do this?”


“Okay. I call best friend Josh Meyer later. Maybe kidnap.”

“Later? You’re busy? What the fuck are you doing?”

kim jong un lab coat

“Science, motherfucker.”

“Gotta go.”

“Tell Jackson Browne I big fan.”



  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 16, 2016 at 2:42 am

    jiggling belly chuckle this a.m.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.