Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Suite Life

The only way Billy could afford these tickets to the Dead show is by playing in the Dead show, thereby defeating the purpose.

In another life, TotD watched an LA Kings game from the serious-money box seats and it’s a different, and better, world in there. For instance, there is no limit on hot dogs, and then, when you vomit because no one stopped you from eating nine hot d0gs, the staff will act like they’re not disgusted. They will also keep bringing you hot dogs.

The nice folks at CID (Capitalus In Domino) were responsible for the luxury boxes in Chicago, and the amenities were super. You could pick out any fan in GA and have him or her brought to you, for eating or sexual purposes.

CID guests that took in the shows from our Praetor’s Villas also had access to:

  • Attractive people could bathe you at set break.
  • Or, if that’s not your thing, ugly people could throw turkey sandwiches at while you tried to pee. Either way is good.
  • Many cakes.
  • A similarly large variety of pies.
  • Like, any sandwich you can imagine.
  • Imaginary meats in between impossible breads and slathered with legendary spreads and/or condiments.
  • Dragon on gluten-free pumpernickel?
  • You want a pickle with that?
  • You get pickles with fucking everything at the Praetor’s Villa.
  • CID staff will accommodate any food allergies or sensitivities with a smile, because if you’re rich enough to be in this joint, then you have food allergies and/or sensitivities.
  • Rich people are bored, I think.
  • Massages upon request.
  • Licensed physiotherapist or sex slave off the highway: whatever context you like strangers to grab at you in.
  • We can also get fat ladies to do stuff to your feet, or with your feet, or on your feet.
  • If you want to get your feet together with fat ladies, we can make that happen in almost any way, is what we’re getting at.
  • Private bathroom, or security to escort you to the common facilities.
  • If you request, the security will push everyone else out of the way so you can go first, and then throw money at them while you tinkle.
  • Complimentary, exclusive, limited-edition Dead 50 merch, such as t-shirts, hoodies, and cock rings with Bruce Hornsby’s disapproving glare printed on them.
  • “Bruce says, ‘What are you gonna do with this boner, you filthy perv?'”
  • Free parking, OR
  • Shuttle bus to the hotel/after-party, OR
  • Piggy-back ride to the nearest guy selling balloons, OR
  • Skinned and dumped in an alley.
  • Private, secure suite with 4 55″ HD sets playing the shows and a 7.1 surround-sound system with an EXCLUSIVE sound mix just for the Praetor’s Villa done by Bear’s Ashes.
  • Fully-stocked bar.
  • Experienced and attractive bartender with pretty much everything else you’d need in his backpack.
  • So much shrimp you deny Christ’s divinity three times before morning.
  • Ninjas on-call.
  • Really complicated deserts that require fire, for some reason.
  • John and Katy might stop by at set break.
  • Full complement of armed guards in case the Poors decide they’ve had enough and/or want your shrimp.

All in all, CID’s endeavors were a success. All of the Praetor’s Villas were sold out, and none of the illiterate wastrel scions of the nation died on premises, so legally that’s a win.



  1. Class warfare! Demagogue!

  2. “I’m a simple man: I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

  3. Why in God’s name are you even awake I thought 40-yr-olds went to bed at like 7

  4. Sorry for the bombardment. This guy has skills

  5. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 14, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    even got a wookie serving cocktails? outstanding.

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