Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Suite Life

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The only way Billy could afford these tickets to the Dead show is by playing in the Dead show, thereby defeating the purpose.

In another life, TotD watched an LA Kings game from the serious-money box seats and it’s a different, and better, world in there. For instance, there is no limit on hot dogs, and then, when you vomit because no one stopped you from eating nine hot d0gs, the staff will act like they’re not disgusted. They will also keep bringing you hot dogs.

The nice folks at CID (Capitalus In Domino) were responsible for the luxury boxes in Chicago, and the amenities were super. You could pick out any fan in GA and have him or her brought to you, for eating or sexual purposes.

CID guests that took in the shows from our Praetor’s Villas also had access to:

  • Attractive people could bathe you at set break.
  • Or, if that’s not your thing, ugly people could throw turkey sandwiches at while you tried to pee. Either way is good.
  • Many cakes.
  • A similarly large variety of pies.
  • Like, any sandwich you can imagine.
  • Imaginary meats in between impossible breads and slathered with legendary spreads and/or condiments.
  • Dragon on gluten-free pumpernickel?
  • You want a pickle with that?
  • You get pickles with fucking everything at the Praetor’s Villa.
  • CID staff will accommodate any food allergies or sensitivities with a smile, because if you’re rich enough to be in this joint, then you have food allergies and/or sensitivities.
  • Rich people are bored, I think.
  • Massages upon request.
  • Licensed physiotherapist or sex slave off the highway: whatever context you like strangers to grab at you in.
  • We can also get fat ladies to do stuff to your feet, or with your feet, or on your feet.
  • If you want to get your feet together with fat ladies, we can make that happen in almost any way, is what we’re getting at.
  • Private bathroom, or security to escort you to the common facilities.
  • If you request, the security will push everyone else out of the way so you can go first, and then throw money at them while you tinkle.
  • Complimentary, exclusive, limited-edition Dead 50 merch, such as t-shirts, hoodies, and cock rings with Bruce Hornsby’s disapproving glare printed on them.
  • “Bruce says, ‘What are you gonna do with this boner, you filthy perv?'”
  • Free parking, OR
  • Shuttle bus to the hotel/after-party, OR
  • Piggy-back ride to the nearest guy selling balloons, OR
  • Skinned and dumped in an alley.
  • Private, secure suite with 4 55″ HD sets playing the shows and a 7.1 surround-sound system with an EXCLUSIVE sound mix just for the Praetor’s Villa done by Bear’s Ashes.
  • Fully-stocked bar.
  • Experienced and attractive bartender with pretty much everything else you’d need in his backpack.
  • So much shrimp you deny Christ’s divinity three times before morning.
  • Ninjas on-call.
  • Really complicated deserts that require fire, for some reason.
  • John and Katy might stop by at set break.
  • Full complement of armed guards in case the Poors decide they’ve had enough and/or want your shrimp.

All in all, CID’s endeavors were a success. All of the Praetor’s Villas were sold out, and none of the illiterate wastrel scions of the nation died on premises, so legally that’s a win.

 

37 Comments

  1. mrcompletely

    Class warfare! Demagogue!

  2. maggiemay

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzV5azIHOl0 “I’m a simple man: I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

    • mrcompletely

      which Phish things are you going to see? To answer a question I saw you ask earlier, yes there are young fans at every show I go to. A minority of course but always there

      • maggiemay

        Phish thing I’m seeing is at the Forum in LA on the 25th!

      • maggiemay

        Hoping I don’t get catcalled by any wooks????????? lel

  3. maggiemay

    Why in God’s name are you even awake I thought 40-yr-olds went to bed at like 7

    • thoughtsonthedead

      It’s only 9:21

      • maggiemay

        no it’s not loser

      • maggiemay

        wait are you on………… THE WEST COAST??????????

        • thoughtsonthedead

          No, you are. don’t you pay attention? Im in Florida.

          • maggiemay

            right dingus so it’s MIDNIGHT THERE

          • thoughtsonthedead

            BIT IM TALKING 2U

          • maggiemay

            that doesn’t make it NOT MIDNGIHT how does somebody stay up that late. Im crying for u

          • thoughtsonthedead

            Okay, first off: I will not be told what time it is by a 15-year-old.

            Second: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND TIME ZONES

            Third: I was enjoying making up my little stories, and if I may toot my own balls, kinda thought I was killing it tonight.

            But ill stop if you want me to.

      • maggiemay

        NO FAM UR GOOD DONT EVEN WORRY OK I GOT UR BACK

      • maggiemay

        And also it’s okay that you don’t understand time zones. I’ve never, ever been able to grasp the concept of Daylight Saving time. It’s wild to me and every time my dad tries to explain it to me I end up crying.

  4. spencer

    Sorry for the bombardment. This guy has skills

    • spencer

      You could always take Em down and repost at your will

    • thoughtsonthedead

      No worries. Pain in the ass going into behind the scenes and grabbing those pics from the site. Thanks for doing it. Send as many as you want, man.

  5. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    even got a wookie serving cocktails? outstanding.

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