And THE LORD said to Moses, “I will inflict ten plagues upon Pharaoh and the Egyptians.”
And Moses said to THE LORD, “Why don’t you just teleport us somewhere else? Aren’t you the Lord?”
And THE LORD cleared His throat.
“Excuse me. Aren’t you THE LORD?”
“Better. Don’t question Me. I have a plan.”
And THE LORD sent down His first plague, which was that all the chewing gum became spicy.
Moses said, “Huh?”
And THE LORD said, “I’m warming up. Don’t want to blow My whole wad on the first plague.”
And Moses said nothing.
THE LORD sent down His second plague, which were frogs.
Moses said, “Frogs?”
THE LORD said, “Just you wait.”
And THE LORD made all the frogs very rude.
Moses said, “Does that count as one plague or two?”
THE LORD said, “Two.”
And THE LORD sent down His fourth plague, which were honeybees.
Moses said, “Not much of a plague. Honeybees are very useful.”
“Just you wait.”
And THE LORD made the honeybees libertarians, and gave them Twitter accounts.
“Okay, that’s a nightmare.”
“See? Trust in Me.”
And THE LORD sent down His sixth plague, which was that all the Egyptians got ice cream headaches, but since ice cream had not been invented yet, everyone was totally confused about what was happening.
At this point, Pharaoh was forced to address what was happening.
“The Globalists’ God sends fake plagues!” Pharaoh said.
And THE LORD sent down His seventh plague, which was that politics infested everything like locusts and everyone thought they were a comedian/legal expert.
Moses said, “That last one was a bit much.”
“People are losing their minds down here.”
“You have to unplug, Mo.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Self-care is important.”
THE LORD heard Moses, and so His eighth plague was the water of the Nile turning into blood.
Moses said, “Honestly? Better than the last one. Much rather have a river of blood than all the politics.”
And THE LORD sent down His ninth plague, which was that the day became unto night, and the night became unto day, but everyone just flipped their sleep schedule around.
“I don’t know what You were thinking with that one.”
“I didn’t expect everyone to roll with it so quickly.”
“You made us very adaptable.”
“I’m a little impressed with all of you right now.”
“Humans are a hardy bunch.”
“Wait, I got something.”
And THE LORD did kill all the firstborn sons in the land.
“WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?”
“YES! Way, way, way too much.”
“Well, I didn’t kill all the children.”
“Is that Your argument? That You didn’t kill every single child? Because that’s not a good argument.”
“Pharaoh said you could go! Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Not like this. This is pretty much the Jews’ Original Sin.”
“The primal scene?”
“As it were.”
“Then you should thank me. In 5,000 years, when you invent psychiatry, you’ll have something to talk about.”
“I can’t wait for the New Testament.”
“Maybe you’ll get to read it when you get to Israel, Moses.”
“Suuuuuure. You can trust Me.”
“Me bless Me.”