Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Things Weir Carried

In recent interviews, Bobby has mentioned being Garcia’s bagman–holding the Persian and giving him just the daily dose. As usual, Bobby and the rest of Big Dead are telling only a small portion of the truth: Bobby carried many things, for many people, for many different reasons.

  • Garcia’s wallet.
  • Garcia’s car keys.
  • Garcia’s trousers. (One time in Michigan.)
  • The blueprints to Front Street detailing the building’s security weaknesses. (Stolen by Bothan spies, many of whom were killed by Billy and/or the road crew.)
  • A hardcover copy of Finnegan’s Wake for Phil, who swears that he’ll actually read it this tour.
  • Mickey’s hockey bag full of raccoons. He always needed it in the middle of the night, plus: they’re raccoons. They can get out of a hockey bag in seconds and then they coordinate their attacks. They would invariably break out and head straight for Garcia’s room (Garcia and Bobby always had adjoining rooms in case they wanted to gossip) while Garcia nodded off on a smoldering bed, steal the remnants of his chicken parm sub, put out the fire (raccoons are nature’s first responders,) and scurry into the night.
  • And then Mickey would burst into the room and be all, “Garcia, what did you do with my raccoons?” as if he were somehow complicit in this, like he planned it, and it wasn’t entirely Mickey’s fault for stuffing a hockey bag full of raccoons and leaving it in a hotel room. Everything that happens as a result of that is on you, Mickey.
  • The key to Brent’s chastity belt, which he wanted Bobby to unlock “only when I been good, ‘kay, Bobby? Judge me harshly and dole out your sweet rewards and your just punishment.” Bobby took the key, backed out the room slowly, lost the key, called a locksmith, went to the hospital.
  • Billy’s briefcase containing $10,000 in Kruegerands, a forged passport, and a fake mustache. (“They’ll be looking for a guy with my mustache, but I’ll have this mustache!”) Billy called it “the football” and tried handcuffing it to Bobby a number of times, but Bobby’s quick and could easily dodge the attempts.
  • Everybody’s gum. (Bobby was actually an awful bagman w/r/t gum. Bobby’ll chew your gum right up.)
  • Two or three extra livers for Phil, plus an extra kidney for Mickey, who was both in perfect health, and hesitant to explain his need for the organ.
  • Phil made Bobby hold Ned Lagin for him one tour, but Bobby put his foot down after three or four shows. “There are some things I simply won’t cross state lines with,” and then Phil corrected Bobby’s grammar and then Bobby accused Phil of being a Prescriptivist and then Billy, who had been eating ribs and not bothering anyone, called both of them Bolsheviks, and everyone was yelling at everybody, and once again: Ned Lagin ruins everything.


  1. Fuckin’ eh. I bet Finnegan’s Wake is among the most conspicuously uncreased books around.

    Please tell me you’ve read Joyce’s dirty letters to Nora.

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