Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Unexpected Return Of Radio Randy

“Good evening everyone out there listening to SiriusXM. You’re tuned in to Channel 23: the Grateful Dead Channel. This is Radio Randy on the air live from the Sundance Film Festival where Bob Weir, along with Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann, will be premiering their new four-hour documentary about the Dead’s career. Bobby, thanks for being here.”

“You bet. Josh told me Elvis killed you.”

“He did. Bobby, tell us about the movie.”

“A trio of disgraced professors go into business for themselves busting ghosts.”

“I should have been more specific. Tell us about your movie.”

“Same answer.”

“If you were a woodland creature, what would you be?”

“Elk.”

“Good call.”

“Majestic, but fearsome.”

“Is the altitude at the festival affecting you?”

“No, but the longitude is killing me.”

“Bobby, the Radio Randy show on SiriusXM Channel 23 has a lot of younger listeners. What advice do you have for them?”

“Pony isn’t a baby horse. It’s not gonna get bigger, and you’re not gonna make your investment back entering it into the Kentucky Derby. Trust me on this one.”

“Wisdom.”

“And, uh, conversely: there’s no such thing as a teacup pig. Not a thing. Just not a thing. Pigs get goddamned enormous. Again: trust me on this one.”

“I will.”

“And, you know, you gotta take care of the thing or your bullhorn-toting, bacon-hating, racecar-driving human picket line of a sister-in-law–”

“Lilian Monster.”

“–will make your life miserable. 500 pounds! Don’t get me wrong, I love the sucker, but he’s eating me out of house and home.”

“What’s the pig’s name, Bob?”

“The girls named him.”

“What’s the pig’s name, Bob?”

“Humperdink.”

“That’s adorable.”

“Not worth the effort. Billy keeps trying to steal him and have a luau.”

“We’re learning a lot about life, the Grateful Dead, and inadvertent pet ownership here on the Radio Randy show.”

“Did you steal that microphone?”

“Yes. You want to take a call?”

“Why not?”

“This is a blocked caller who says his name is none of my business. Hello?”

“привет, гомосексуалисты.”

“Look what Putin have.”

“Give that back!”

“No, Яadio Яandy. Is for Putin. America is for Putin. All for Putin now.”

“Damn you, Putin!”

“Putin win. Ha ha ha. Putin number one. Grateful Dead number zero.”

“BASTARD!”

ТЕЛЕФОН ШУМА ХОТЯ ТЕЛЕФОНЫ НЕ ДЕЛАЙ, ЧТО БОЛЬШЕ

“I’m sorry you had to hear that, Bobby.”

“I’m not wearing headphones. I didn’t hear any of that.”

“For the best. Tell the audience what your hopes are for the movie.”

“I just want the movie to be happy, get married.”

“Do you cross-country ski, Bob?”

“No, I fly.”

“This is great stuff on the Radio Randy show. How about another call?”

“How about it?”

“We have a call from Los Angeles. It’s John. John in Los Angeles, how are you? Welcome to the show. You’re talking to Radio Randy and Bob Weir.”

“What the fuck, Radio Randy?”

“Oh, hey! It’s John Mayer, ladies and gentlemen. Bobby’s bandmate from Dead & Company. This is great. Bob, I have John on the line.”

“Who?”

“It’s Josh, Bobby.”

“Oh, hey, Josh.”

“Hi. Radio Randy, I’m in the SiriusXM studios. We had an interview scheduled.”

“Oh, gee, sorry. Listen, I’m sorry. Why don’t you take some pens?”

“I don’t need pens. This is unprofessional as hell, man.”

“You’re right. Sorry. Take some post-it notes, too.”

“I don’t need any–”

“Stapler. Take a stapler.”

“–post-it notes. Are you trying to buy me off with office supplies?”

“Nooooo. NO. No.”

“All the rubber bands. Take them and do with them what you will.”

“Don’t call me any more, Radio Randy.”

“Don’t get me killed by Elvis any more, pretty boy.”

“FUCK YOU, RADIO RANDY!”

“FUCK YOU, JOSH MEYERS!”

“YOU DON’T GET TO CALL ME THAT! ONLY BOBBY GETS TO CALL ME THAT!”

“Hey, Josh.”

“Hey, Bobby.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Bobby, do you have any last thoughts before we go?”

“We must destroy Carthage.”

“This is Radio Randy for SiriusXM Channel 23 singing off. Good night, human kindness; wherever you are.”

4 Comments

  1. Tuesday Jackson

    January 26, 2017 at 8:32 am

    Putin is playing Althea!

    “…and I was born to be a bachelor.”

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