Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

The Worst Witch Hunt In The History Of America

INT. PRESS ROOM – SALEM, MA

“Good morrow to thou all, except for Chastity Haberman. Fuck you, Chastity.”

“Very nice, Brother Spicer.”

“I have a prepared statement that I have been forced to read before I take your questions.

“Ahem.

“No witchcraft. No witchcraft. Pastor Comey, who speaks with a forked tongue, told me that I wasn’t a witch on three occasions while we were plowing. I plow the straightest lines you’ve ever seen, the best plowing.

“Why is Myles Standish not being investigated for his collusion with Radical Wampanoag Terrorists? How has Reverend Dimsdale not been placed in the stocks?

“No witchcraft.”

“Ahem.

“Before I take questions, let us pray to our ridiculously angry God.”

“Amen. Brother Tapper?”

“Brother Spicer, Elder Trump has stated that he is not a witch.”

“No, sir. Not ‘stated.’ He has pointed out the fact.”

“Even though there’s a lot of smoke.”

“Such as?”

“Well, the actual smoke for one thing. It’s purple and it dances in an unholy fashion. Follows him around everywhere.”

“Localized weather anomaly. Brother Thrush?”

“What about the broom?”

“Which broom?”

“The one he uses to fly.”

“Elder Trump is a clean freak. Loves to keep tidy. Sister Ryan?”

“If Elder Trump isn’t a witch, then why is his skin that color?”

“Orange?”

“Green.”

“Bad sushi.”

“It’s 1691, Brother Spicer. No sushi.”

“No witchcraft, either. Brother Acosta?”

“Brother Spicer, don’t you see anything suspicious in Elder Trump’s behavior?”

“Absolutely not. Very un-witchy. Non-witcherous.”

“Uh-huh. What about ending Pastor Comey’s investigation into him?”

“Elder Trump was within his legal authority to do end the investigation.”

“By turning Pastor Comey into a frog?”

“Thy press covfefe is over!”

2 Comments

  1. So will this witch hunt end with a purification ceremony of the guilty parties by burning them at the stake?

  2. My gosh, this reminds me of the jocular banter between me and my brothers at that place down in the covfefe by the hollow.

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