Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

There’s Plenty Of Room At The Bottom

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir?”

“I’ve come to a decision.”

“About lunch?”

“I’ve come to two decisions.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Korean barbecue.”

“Was that the lunch decision, sir?”

“Bim bam bang on the money, Jenkins.”

“Thank you, sir. The second?”

“I’m going to blow my goddamned brains out if I have to spend one more second thinking about these posters.”

“Both are understandable decisions, sir.”

“I could have solved something with that time, Jenkins. World peace. Hunger. Rubik’s Cube.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Could have experimented with homosexuality.”

“Experimented, sir?”

“Lab coat, test tubes, that sort of thing. Goggles. Some of their activities require goggles.”

“I don’t know about that, sir.”

“And you can’t surface too quickly, Jenkins. When you’re down there, the nitrogen builds up in your blood. You can only rise as fast as your slowest boner.”

“You’re talking about scuba diving, sir.”

“Scuba diving, homosexuality: what’s the difference?”

“Quite a bit.”

“I’m trapped here, Jenkins! I could have been something great. I could have been president, Jenkins.”

“Sir, you’re a borderline-insane bigot with no control over your mouth whose mind wanders like a coked-up Border Collie.”

“And?”

“I was halfway through the sentence when I realized the irony, sir, but I didn’t want to trail off.”

“Work ethic. Good.”

“But we really do need to get to the poster, sir.”

“Poster! Oh, God, the poster. I’m going to make a sound now, Jenkins.”

“Thank you for the warning.”

“HARABlarbleblarbleblarble.”

“Wonderful sound, sir.”

“I was improvising.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“It was the sound of my soul leaving my body, Jenkins. I stand by my earlier decision.”

“That you want Korean barbecue for lunch?”

“I stand by both of my previous decisions.”

“That you’ll blow your brains out if you have to spend one more second thinking about the posters?”

“That’s the one.

“Well, sir, what if we created a poster BUT but absolutely no thought into it at all?”

“Half-ass it?’

“Sir we’ve been half-assing the whole tour. I say we cut the percentage of ass dramatically.”

“Quarter-ass?”

“Farther.”

“Deka-ass?”

“Farther, sir.”

“Do we dare?’

“I believe in you, sir.”

“So do I. Deci-ass? A hundredth of an ass?”

“Sir, sit down.”

FLUMP

BLAAAAAAAPHH

“Did you fart when you sat down, sir?”

“Quite robustly.”

“Excellent, sir.”

“I’m prepared for your statement, Jenkins.”

“Micro-ass, sir.”

“A millionth of an ass? My sweet Lord.”

“Hallelujah.”

“Ballsy, Jenkins. Ballsier than a man with elephantiasis of the testicles in a sporting goods store.”

“Are you ready, sir?”

“Will I need my goggles?”

“No.”

“Then, I’m ready. Let’s make a poster.”

“Bears and tie-dye.”

“DONE! And put no effort into it beyond that.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now let’s go try Korean homosexuality.”

“Why not?”

5 Comments

  1. Looks like My Little Pony’s acid trip.

  2. I think a friend of mine drew that on her Trapper Keeper in 6th grade.

  3. Well you got your Saratoga horsies in there too . . . having lived nearby for ~20 years, I can tell you that is TRULY a micro-ass response to Saratoga of infinitesimal thought . . .

    God, do I hate horsies after all the lazy Saratoga shit I’ve seen like that . . .

  4. You split asses in decimal not surprising I guess.

    If we wanted to play “find one good thing in the bad thing” it would be that the bears are just plain old 2 dimensional clip art bears like they should be. The new fangled 3D bears are just wrong.

  5. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    June 21, 2017 at 11:03 am

    Nice artwork, but the colors – y-i-i-ickkkkk!

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