Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things Faster Than Usain Bolt Over 109.36 Yards*

  • Light.
  • Sound, through most mediums.
  • The Reticulated Snerf of Lasapong B, the hunting-preserve planet of the Felis Empire.
  • Tesla. (Holy shit, is a Tesla faster than Usain Bolt off the line. Those suckers out-accelerate Ferraris; each wheel has its own motor, and each of those motors is made from carbon fiber and torque. They’re not fast–governors keep the top speed at 155 mph–but they’re the quickest vehicles on the planet that don’t require a pit crew.)
  • Some dogs are faster than Usain Bolt, but other dogs are dachshunds or bulldogs or just lazy.
  • If a cat chooses to race Usain Bolt, then the cat will be faster, but it’s up to the cat whether or not it’s going to participate.
  • No human.
  • Literally not one other human being out of the seven billion on the planet.
  • I know, right?
  • Fucked up when you think about it.
  • If they are not the first 109.36 yards, then the Saturn V rocket that took the Apollo crews to the moon; if they are the first 109.36 yards, then Usain Bolt takes it, because those rockets did not leap off the ground: it took a little bit to get up to speed.
  • Hippo, bear, lion: Usain Bolt would not outrun these predatory animals, but he would outrun the other people he was with, and that’s really all you need to do if you’re being chased by one.
  • Pyroclastic flow.
  • Somehow–even though he is ambling slowly and ominously–Jason Voorhees is faster, or at least would be waiting for Usain Bolt at the end of the race.
  • Turtle, but only if launched via a trebuchet.
  • At the beginning of the race, Usain Bolt practices positive visualization and pictures himself victorious at the finishing line, so I suppose we can say the power of imagination is very fast indeed.
  • Harambe.

*You know my feelings on the metric system.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 15, 2016 at 2:37 am

    congratulations Usain!

    & Wayde!

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